An Enormous Spider
Mornin’ I was just about to start typing this edition of the
blog when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. At first I thought it
was a mouse but then it spread its front two legs and waved them at me. It was
a spider, the biggest spider I have ever seen outside a zoo, without exaggeration
4 inches from the tip of one hairy leg to the tip of the other. The body was 3
cm long, and an array of steel grey eyes glinted at me as it crawled out from
behind Sarah’s bag to give me the once over. I say crawled out, in fact I think
I saw it actually push the bag out of the way.
IT WAS HUGE.
Being manly and the “protector of the home” I immediately
did as all other men would have done in this position, woke Sarah. Obviously I
was not scared of this eight eyed, eight legged, twin fanged intruder I just wanted
her to have the opportunity to share in this wonderful moment of nature and needed
someone to keep an eye on this nightmare while I went for the camera (there was
no way this one was going to be allowed to slope off and leave me wondering
where it had got to – see Facebook for pic) . She opened one eye and like some
roman emperor immediately issued its death sentence. The question was how to do
the deed? This was a big bugger. I know from previously looking up Tiger Centipedes
in “All things that bite you in Southern India” that there are no lethally
toxic spiders here in Kerala, unless you are allergic that is, but from some of
the accounts of the spider bites on line some feel as though you have been “… stabbed
with a red hot needle” or “… shot”, neither of which are my fave ways to start
the day. Fortunately on our last trip to Pothys department store (see Santa
comes to India later in this post) I had purchased an electric stun tennis
racket/mossie killer/tazser thingy with a 6 inch head which if I got my first
strike in just right would just about cover the damn thing. There was to be no “set
to stun” If the first strike failed to incapacitate and he beastie managed to
make a brake there was no way Sarah was going to get back to sleep, well one of
us would need to keep watch while I typed. There was no room for error… Power
Switch – ON, Charge Button – Pressed, wait for just the right moment and…
CRACK!!!!
SHIT!!! It didn’t die!!! It was still moving!!! AGAIN!!! HIT
IT AGAIN!!!!
CRACK!!!!!
ITS STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!
Fortunately the 50,000 volts from the mossie tazser had
stunned it so with a swift flick of the wrist I scooped it up on to the grid
bit of the “electrobat” and then chucked it out into the night. I understand
that ECT can cause memory loss, I’m just hoping its true for spiders too as I don’t
want that one coming back looking for revenge.
Jellyfish as Lubricant
N.B. Before you rush out in search of jellyfish please read
this to the end or you may live to regret it.
After 8 years of watching the fishermen on Kovalam beach
haul in their catch I thought I’d seen it all. Fishing boats go out, make a
loop around the bay with the net, fishing boat returns, fishermen pull the two
ends of the net together on the beach while singing fisherman pulling in the
net songs, jellyfish chucked out of the net, catch sorted, boat pulled up beach,
net dried and repaired, start again tomorrow, end of. One thing I’d missed was
what do they do with the jellyfish? Here nothing that can be used is allowed to
go to waste and over the season they catch tons of the things, they are just an
inedible slimy gloopy mass clogging up the nets, or so I thought until the
other day.
At the end of dropping the nets into the sea the fishermen
have to get the boats back onto the beach, there’s no slipway, no boat trolley and
the boats are 25ft long solid timber jobs so how is it done? After all anyone
who has sandpapered wood knows that sand and wood aren’t the most friction free
combination. Enter the jellyfish, natural enemy of the body boarder, the
fishermen use them to create slime highway , throwing them under the boats as
they pull them up the beach. Simples… and it only took me 8 years to spot it.
N.B. – Again. I would think it is inadvisable to use
jellyfish as any other type of lubricant but as they say… whatever floats your
boat? J
Santa comes to India
He is here!!!! Honest, he is, I’ve seen him!!!! Well a
twenty foot fibreglass version of him anyway. Santa has arrived in India or
more accurately he has arrived at Pothys Department Store. As soon as the
Diwali decorations came down up went the Christmas ones turning the store
entrance in to a cross between some adman’s neo-apocalyptic version of the
North Pole and the 7th gate of hell. So its not just the morally bankrupt
“Christian” west that does it, India is
capable of turning a religious festival into a “Marketing Opportunity” just as
well as we can. In fact in many ways they do it better, more bling, more artificial
snow, bigger reindeer, massive Santa’s and very little Jesus to spoil the
excess. After all Santa is here on the 20th of November, Jesus doesn’t
turn up in his crib until the 25th….
The Washing Machine (Part II)
As you know from the last blog we have bought a washing
machine, it was fitted without loss of life, so all was good and we thought
that was the end of the matter. I know some of you ae concerned that we have
made the laundry service redundant and what will they do now, there are two
answers to this question the first and most obvious being everyone else’s
laundry, we weren’t the only customers. Secondly India has another scheme to
take up the slack. Two to three days after our washing machine was installed we
received a call from Christopher that the LG engineer needed to see us at the
house.
Assuming the worst, major flood while we were on the beach, electrocuted
small child due to faulty installation, a no foreigners allowed to own a
washing machine clause on the visa we had missed we returned to find two
washing machine engineers on the doorstep, neither of whom could speak any
English. Fortunately as you are aware I am fluent in communication by means of
dance and it became apparent their - note plural, job was to show us how to use
a washing machine (… and swoop, left together, right together, jazz hands). It
was very interesting as it became
obvious that the nearest these two lads have ever been to running a washing
machine was drinking tea in the teashop two doors up from the laundry.
India, I
love it.
Have a good weekend
‘Till next time
Cheery pip
K&S
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