Wednesday 25 December 2013

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a Concrete Floor

A Proud Dad - Chris with Anna & Greeshma
So that was Christmas 2013...

Back in the UK you may still be eating cold turkey sandwiches and picking through the remains of yesterday's gut busting food fest but here in India it over. In fact it was over by Christmas day night, the lights turned off and normal service resumed but all in all it was a good one.

Christmas a C&J's

We spent the day with Chris, a friend from the restaurant and his wife Jhothy and children, Greeshma and Anna, oh and Rocky the dog. Of course we had the perennial Christmas problem, "What do you buy for Christmas for folk who have very little?" and we wanted to say thank you for all the help they had given us. Don't get me wrong, by Indian standards Chris and his family are quite well off, they have a two bedroom house with an indoor bathroom, a TV and their own well. The house is about the same size as a double garage, in the lounge they have a large dining table, four plastic garden chairs to sit on, in the kitchen a fridge and a two ring LPG burner to cook on (where Jhothy prepares some of the best Indian food I have ever tasted). The two bedrooms each have a small wooden framed double bed and a couple of lockable office filing cupboards for wardrobes. The kids, Greeshma and Anna 15 and 13 respectively sleep in one room and Chris and Jhothy the other  Like I said, Chris and his family are relatively well off, they eat regularly and thanks to Jhothy good tasty food.



So what to buy them for Christmas? A turkey? Impractical and it would go off before it was finished and there is no oven to cook it in anyway. Booze? Neither drink much. Chocolates? Possible but not exactly imaginative or useful. M&S jumpers? Not exactly ideal for the 30+ C heat and Sarah had already decided to take the girls shopping last weekend  for Xmas dresses (and xmas cake) so we were still left with the "what do we buy C&J?" problem.

In the end we decided something for the house but what? Jhothy works hard to keep things as clean and nice as possible but the floor is a mixture of rough cast concrete and compacted earth and in the heat and dust its a losing battle.. Chris had intended to get it skimmed but the money ran out and he hoped to get it done with this season's tips from the restaurant. So... we decided to "say it in concrete".

Christmas day at Chris's was special, Jhothy beaming  in her newly concreted kitchen (Chris had managed to get the whole house floor re-skimmed with the money we gave them and get new worktops in the kitchen and some tiling done too.

Jhothy - Queen of her domain - Xmas Lunch on the go...


Lunch was delicious, Goat Biriyani, Goat Curry, Chicken, Rice, Banana, Lentil Sambal, Carrot and Coconut Chutney, home made lime pickle & popodums.. We ate with the girls and Chris, Jhothy and her brother Aradish who had joined us insisted on eating in the kitchen as there were only four chairs.

Sarah, Anns and Greeshma - Setting the table

We stayed until 3 p.m. then totally stuffed made our excuses and left them to enjoy the rest of the day together, obviously we weren't allowed to leave without a helping of rice and curry to "eat later when you feel peckish".

We had all had a wonderful time and now it was time for a sleep....

Christmas Cake

Rocky The Dog Checks Out the Floor



Merry Christmas

Kevin & Sarah

Monday 16 December 2013

A Saturday Afternoon RIOT at the end of the road!!!


RIOT!!!

Last Saturday was an "interesting" day. We had a about 30 police and a couple of hundred protesters camped out at the bottom of the drive, 150 meters from our apartment. There was lots of shouting, flag waving and general commotion. The mosque loudspeaker system called all from the neighbourhood to the fray. The police set up roadblocks and I was effectively trapped in the flat. I say "I" because Sarah was out having a massage.

So what caused this civil unrest? Why the call to arms? Was it the elections in Delhi? Food price riots? A rally against corruption? No, it was because the local Islamic school had put a collection box on the side of the road with a few flags around it to draw the attention of potential donors. True, it was near the entrance to the Hindu temple but not on temple grounds, so why the big kerfuffle?

Over the last week or so the security guards who are employed by the big 5* hotel which owns much of the land around Kovalam beach have been involved in a clean up campaign, all non-authorized structures e.g fences, advertising signs etc. have been ordered to be taken down by the security team, if there is any objection the police are called to enforce the change. The objective being to keep the bay as free from the worst excesses of lighthouse beach as possible and "beautify" the area. To be fair there has been a lot of money and effort spent in clearing the parkland surrounding the bay of scrub and generally tidy up. (Ironically this does not extend to the rubbish brought in by the coachloads of day trippers which is thrown about all over the place, but that's another issue). The initiative even received official backing earlier in the week and was reported in The Hindu. So full of good intentions the guards have been going about their business but making few friends in the process. Kovalam Beach is a major tourist destination for day-trippers, those wanting to see the sea, swim (or near drown) and pilgrims alike and it has the only coach park within walking distance of Hawa and Lighthouse beaches i.e. a magnet for traders, those selling snacks, ice cream and other tourist goods. Consequently there will always we a tension between those who are trying to preserve its unique beauty and those wanting to use it, set up shop and make a living.

The a fore mentioned donation box was deemed to be on hotel land and so the security guards tried to remove it. Needless to say this was a "controversial move" and the community reacted strongly.

To prevent the box's removal a crowd gathered, surrounded it and were very vocal in their anger. Next, to ensure the box wasn't moved a group of youngsters "borrowed" a pile of bricks from a hotel construction site and went about encasing the box in brick and concrete. Though this had the effect of preventing the removal it had one significant draw back, the box was no longer accessable for donations and so another box was placed on top of the now enclosed original.

All in all things got rather heated, police riot vans were deployied, there was a lot of chanting, angry arm and flag waving and general loud protesting. The police then blocked the road and no one was allowed out or in. It really looked as though it might get nasty until 3:40 when the mosque put out its cal to prayer at which point the protesters all headed off to pray, obviously realizing they would lose the moral high ground if they didn't, and the police.... went to the tea shop for a cuppa.

Half Time.

Obviously there had been a half time team talk as when prayers were over the protesters formed an orderly if rather noisy procession to the 5* hotel to complain. 30 mins later they were all back again, this time smiling and laughing as they had obtained a stay of execution.

Three days later the box now stands where it was before, still encased in brick and with an additional box on top. Since Saturday we have had a police police coach parked in the coach park and a large police presence, though i secretly think they are now just enjoying being beside the sea as there is much tea drinking, stroling along the beach and ice cream eating going on.

So... that was our riot, India's answer to a letter to the parish council, noisier, more dramatic but much faster, it also involved the whole community and filled a Saturday afternoon.

Usual Coffee Time Ramblings at the end of the week...

Have a fun day...

K&S









Thursday 12 December 2013

Getting in the Xmas Swing, Hedging Religious Bets, Cooking for Winter Weather



Good morning all and happy POETS day. On Facebook we keep seeing references to some sort of quasi religious festival, I think its called Amazon day from the number of postings and seems to involve large numbers of parcels and gifts being bought. From what I can see it may also have something to do with with the German traders setting up stalls in the middle of shopping precincts and the selling and drinking of warm wine. To enter into the spirit of the thing Sarah had a young coconut from a street trader, the top sliced off and topped up with Bacardi, not quite the same but the thought was there.

The traders are beginning to get in the Christmas swing, a few decorations have appeared and the "specials boards" outside a couple of the restaurants have begun to advertise christmassy fayre but in typical Indian style haven't quite got the hang of things. My favourite so far is the restaurant that now advertises

Live Lobster
Live Duck
Live Turkey

I think they are under the impression that "Live" means fresh, at least I hope so... I'm not sure I want to go to a pen out the back and pick out which duck i want dispatched for dinner but anything is possible.

Also, in one of our favourite restaurants a crib has appeared, think Blue Peter Nativity Scene but done in the style of Gangsta Bling, its about 8 feet high, five feet wide with more lights than Oxford and Regent Street put together.

I still find it strange coming from a basically secular society to see religions celebrated in this way, neon and LED lights are deployed at every opportunity, including funerals. Most houses have a small shrine, and where in the UK some might stop at a cross hung on a wall and maybe a candle here or there, in India if its worth worshipping, its worth doing big, photos of dead relatives, 3d depictions of the crucifixion, holy water by the bucket, flashing fairy lights, in fact anything goes and its not limited to the house. Tuk-tuks are adorned with religious icons, often from different religions Ganesh sits on the dashboard alongside the baby Jesus and a dead relatives hair dangles from the wing mirror in a mix and match approach to securing gods blessing. All a bit over the top for western sensibilities... until you see the road fatality figures, they were published for Kerala in the Hindu yesterday, and it was "good news" from January to the end of November the number of road fatalities has fallen from 3,867 to 3,748 and the number of reported accidents from 32,980 to 32,109. In 2012 - 4,286 people were killed in 36,109 accidents. With those figures, if I was a Tuk-tuk driver I think I'd hedge my bets and take all the help I could get regardless of which religion it came from.

It rained last night for the first time this week, this morning the weather is overcast and still, the earth has that freshly washed smell and its cool, i.e. low 80's F. Believe it or not it actually feels autumnal, strange how perceptions adapt so quickly. The paper's cookery section talks of warming stews for the winter months though the day temperature seldom falls below 90 F. Unfortunately the fixation with cooking programmes and celebrity chiefs has also reached India, Gordon and Jamie are big here though I've not seen any evidence of an Indian version of the Great British Bake Off so far... "Tonight Paul and Mary will require you to knock out a dozen chipattis, a Peshwari Naan and a Perrota and as your signature bake you are required to make a ginger bread Taj Mahal". No doubt it will come but i'd like to see even Paul and Mary cope with only having a two ring burner and a griddle pan.

So... now its time to head out for the day as my festive breakfast awaits at the local tea shop, perrota, onion masala and an egg.

Have a great weekend, enjoy the run up to Christmas and take it easy.

K&S
13/12/13




Tuesday 3 December 2013

3 Weeks to Xmas, Newspapers, Elephants and Law and Order

Three Weeks to Christmas


Another week has flown by and apparently we are three weeks from Christmas, here in Kerala the Christmas advertising industry has cranked itself up into a frenzy i.e, about the same as it would be at home in the UK in July. As yet there are no Xmas decorations, no 10 ft blow up Santas on roofs, no fiberglass reindeer prancing across the lawns and no supermarket adverts on TV or in the papers. You might think its hardly surprising since this isn't a christian country but according to the last published census 1 in 5 here in Kerala are christian. I think they are still under the impression that Xmas is a religious holy day rather than a booze and food filed shopping spree. How misinformed are they!!!

The "News"


In the UK i hardly ever get or make time to read the morning papers and settle for the TV news, here I eagerly await and read the regional paper every morning. There are two main English language papers the Times of India and the Hindu, we take the Hindu, better coverage of the cricket and we love the Dickensian language. It meets all our needs, its a broadsheet, is 8 -10 pages long and covers local, regional, national and international news and has no coverage of X Factor, what the soap stars are doing or who is bonking who. Its a NEWSPAPER. That said it has some articles which are very strange to western eyes, earlier this week we were treated to the changed regulations regarding the use of elephants in parades. Here are a few just in case you ever need to arrange an elephant ceremony. The elephant must not have killed anyone or gone on a rampage for 15 days if it has then the Forestry Commission must (and I quote) "give the nod" before you can use it in a parade. Elephants must not be left standing on hot tarmac, if transporting an elephant to a ceremony by truck the truck must be no less than 12 ft long, the elephant's Mahout must be properly fed, rested and not be intoxicated. 13 people have been killed by elephants this year in India and three times as many seriously injured which is about par for the course. If you are thinking of staging an event Elephant hire for the day ranges from £150 to £2500 per day depending on the fame of the elephant. Much better value than most so called celebrities or government ministers.

Also in the Hindu this week another forestry worker has been killed by a tiger near Mysore (three in a fortnight) the authorities have now dispatched a team to hunt the animal down so it can be relocated to a tiger sanctuary, as it has now been labeled a man eater. Unlike in the UK animals don't get shot for being animals, its part of life. The Hindu not only published the name of the officer leading the hunt but the names of the elephants they would be using to track and capture the animal.

Today's Elephant related story - never chase an elephant on a motorbike unless you can swim http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-national/tp-karnataka/farmer-drowns-while-chasing-elephant-herd/article5416552.ece

In local news the town drug dealer has been arrested (again) in the run up to high tourist season. lets get this into proportion, there was no big undercover sting operation, The Wire it definitely wasn't. The chap concerned is in his early sixties, and sells hash and marijuana to locals and tourists, in the eight years we have been coming here he has always stood in the same spot in the entrance to an ally which is 25 feet from the police station on the beach and as you pass him he mumbles "want to smoke?"  Everyone knows who he is and what he is selling but every year about this time he is arrested, sentenced to some time in jail and is back out in time for the post Xmas season.


The Law, Rules and Regulations



As I'd mentioned the drugs bust i thought i'd do a bit about rules, regulations and how they are interpreted and applied here. India loves rules and regulations, there are more rules here than anyone can comprehend or apply. The consequence is no one pays them the slightest bit of notice. This is after all the land of passive resistance, if a rule gets in the way its either ignored or an amount of money changes hands, heads are wobbled and life goes on.

I'll give you an example of how things work to get you in the swing, alcohol and licencing.

Alcohol
Alcohol is strictly licensed here is Kerala, alcoholism is a real problem and like many areas of India the public health agenda is very much to the fore in driving regulation. There are very few places in Kovalam where you can legally buy a drink (limited to a few big hotels) and the very few off licences are state run. If you go to the state beer shop you are officially limited to 2 bottles of beer per person. Once a month there are also state wide "dry days" when no alcohol  can be bought. That's the law, in theory. In practice all restaurants sell all spirits, beer and wine any day of the week at anytime of the day. The one concession is every year one restaurant owner gets to go to jail for a month or so and if the police can find it his stocks of booze they are smashed. (there have been occasions when we have had to change our order as the staff couldn't remember where they had buried the vodka) Until this has happened there is an air of expectancy all along lighthouse beach as to whose turn it will be this year. A couple of weeks ago the police mounted a "raid" on all the Lighthouse beach restaurants and we were privileged to watch the proceedings. Here's how it went, 5 or 6 police officers made a great show of meeting at the police station on the beach, they then walked to the far end and began looking for licensing law breakers. It was a total farce, a well choreographed game of hide and seek where everyone knew their part. As they set off along the front mobile phones rang in turn the length of the beach, bottles and beer mugs were whipped from the tables in a Mexican wave of compliance which progressed down the seafront just ahead of the police party, a wave which just as quickly closed up behind them as they moved on to the next restaurant. No one was arrested, the police had shown they were enforcing the law and we got to witness a great game while drinking our gin and tonics.

Have a nice time shopping

K&S


Wednesday 27 November 2013

The Asylum & Charity

Good morning to you kind sirs and madams, it’s been a week since the last post and quite a lot has happened, most important of those being Sarah returned from the ashram a week early. I can’t say I’m surprised. A week earlier I had travelled with her up to give the place the once over and pay for the course. There was something which just didn’t feel right.

The place was very impressive, a monumental gateway stood at the entrance and looked out over a lake. It was part of a multinational organisation with centres amongst others in France and the Caribbean, so no small concern. We entered the grounds and were directed to the reception, it was cool and quiet and yet for me had a strange feel. There were a few course participants and staff milling around and it felt – strange. A forced silence rather than the natural calm I sometimes get when entering holy places. At the time I wasn’t sure if I was projecting my own feelings regarding organised religion and amateur night psychobabble onto the place or I was subconsciously picking up on an “atmosphere” which had resonances with a bad experience I’d had of a poorly arranged Tavistock Group.  There were pictures on the walls of various course intakes, groups of between a dozen and twenty folk all in matching t-shirts all with the forced smile you get on team photos. Other signs were up one which gave the dress code, no above the knee shorts, nothing revealing or “immodest” and directions to the “boutique” where you could buy “appropriate clothing”, signs re: handing in your mobile, there was nothing specifically for me to dislike about the place but collectively it felt “wrong”.

Sarah had decided she wanted to do the Ayurvedic health and medicine course, it covered the principles of ayurveda and massage. The programme was to be an intensive two weeks, starting at 5:30 every morning and the days filled until 10 p.m. A mixture of formal lessons, reading, homework, meditation and yoga. The first solid thing which made me twitch was the fact that they wanted us to pay by visa, of itself not a bad thing as it gives a degree of protection, but the payment was to be made via the web to a corporate headquarters in Canada. There are many reasons why a company might want this to be how they do business but I wondered if it was more to do with extracting profit from the business in India where there are strict rules on how much money can be taken out of the country rather than providing an easy reassuring means of payment. We insisted on paying in cash in rupees, interestingly for a business in India they had to check on the exchange rate before confirming the price. Imagine going into ASDA, part of an American company and when you get to the checkout being told they need to check on the dollar exchange rate before they could give you your bill, I think you’d draw your own conclusions about where the money was going to end up.

A week later Sarah headed off to the Ashram and was left to fend for myself, a week I filled with watching England get slaughtered in the first test match and movies on cable TV. I was going to be fine, it was Sarah I was worried for.

During the week we spoke little on the phone, the reception was poor even by Indian standards and the programme filled days didn’t help. On Saturday, at the end of the first week I had a call from Sarah obviously distressed saying she was coming home early. But she had been told she would have to wait until the Director gave his approval. (This was actually the final straw and confirmed to her that she had made the right decision to leave). I told her to tell them that illegal detention was a serious matter and if she wasn’t back in Kovalam in 90 minutes my next call would be to the Police and then the British Embassy. My threat was unnecessary as she sorted it herself, not without having to counter further attempts at controlling her, she rang an hour later to say she was in the taxi on her way.

Once home Sarah recounted tales of a parental, controlling system, and how she had been made to feel that failure to comply with the ridiculous was failure on her part. Sarah has learnt a lot from the ashram, some things about massage, some things about Ayurvedic treatment, but most of all to trust her own judgement. In the past she admits would have just gone along with all the crap to get along with folk. Not now, the Sarah I adore knows who and what she is, I am very proud of her. She went, literally bought the T-shirt, wore it and then told them they could keep it.

It’s not the self-assured, grounded individuals who now give me concern but  the vulnerable, lost and confused who often attend this kind of environment in the hope of “finding themselves”.

We spent the next few days relaxing on the beach, swimming, and enjoying being together.

Charity

The inequities of life here are immense, true India is beginning to build a “middle class” and literacy rates amongst the young are much better than in some other parts of the world but choices for the very poor are crushingly limited. We see examples of it every day, in the cities it hits you hardest. When you first get here looking through western eyes it’s easy to be over whelmed, the road side shacks, the slums, the homeless, the beggars, cries of “one rupee, one rupee!”. It would be surprising if you didn’t want to help, to do…. Something! But what? Are you giving that 5 rupee coin to the unfortunate in front of you or to a beggar master? Is the charity a real organisation or a scam? It’s hard to tell and in a two week stay and there is no way you can know for certain.

For some this leads to a sort of paralysis, fear of being taken for a mug and the intensity of it all makes them withdraw into their 5 star hotels, sit on the “Diana Bench”, cruise the backwaters in a luxury rice boat and to shut out the reality of day to day Indian life, it’s just too much. So if this is how you think you will react should you make your donation to Oxfam and just go somewhere else?

Definitely not. Even in your air-conned room you are supporting some of the poorest folk here. For you to be here your hotel was built and is being maintained, your sheets are being washed, your food prepared, your pool cleaned, your taxi or tuk-tuk driven, your sunbed tended to, local shops and businesses feel the benefit of the trickle down of hard cash, and even your rubbish is being recycled. In some ways it’s the best form of charity, it rewards enterprise and is sustainable. True the rich take more than their share but they also spend at least some of that cash. You can however maximise the impact of your contribution by as one beach boy hiring sunbeds calls it “spreading the love”, don’t just eat in the hotel use local businesses small and large, buy in different shops, reward good service and drive up quality. It’s a painless way to spread your “donations”.

N.B. What I’m definitely NOT saying is you should pay too much for goods or services out of guilt or by applying western prices to what you buy. This creates expectation inflation for the locals as well as tourists which helps no one, try to think in rupees rather than in how much it costs in pounds or euros. Also if you haven’t had the service you require tell them kindly, that way they can improve and get more business in the future.

But what if you want to directly target your money at the poorest or most disadvantaged? Just relying on “Trickle down” is at best a random and uncertain process, the money could just as well be being spent on gold.

Side Note- Gold is an Indian fixation, in an uncertain world it has intrinsic value and cultural importance but it siphons money out of the economy locking it up and preventing that money being invested in growth, it’s a real problem here.

As a first port of call talk to the expat community, but be careful and make sure they really know what they are talking about. Visit the charity concerned and don’t just listen to the sales pitch, listen with your eyes, see what they are doing. Are they busy? Do they have a Facebook page (some will), search for them on the web, look to see what others have said. Are they associated with a particular religion? If so you may be disenfranchising some of the poorest folk. (We visited a Childrens’ Home attached to a church once, the kids slept 15 in a room on bare earth floor, next-door there was an impressive brand new Evangelical Church. The children, performed Christmas carols for us, the only songs they had been taught, it felt like the organ grinder had produced his troop of performing monkeys and was rattling his tin. We gave the children some sweets and pens and left).

Beware of charities proposing western solutions to third world “problems”.


First question to ask is Is this a real problem or just different? I think this can be a real issue for those with limited experience of life, as an illustration I’ll use gap year students traveling for the first time in India, though the thinking isn’t limited to them. In the main (and please excuse the stereotyping, its for illustrative purposes only) by Indian standards they have come from an extremely privileged background, just the flight to get here will have cost much more money than many Indian families will earn in a year. They are well educated, want to help and… are innocents.  All they have really known is school/university in a western society and they find themselves in a place which is similar but alien where they are exposed to serious poverty for the first time. They want, they NEED to help. They see “problems” everywhere and they know how to make things right, after all they have spent their entire lives “solving problems” and “answering questions” with the “right answer”. Obviously they are the people to “fix” all India’s woes.  Grey is not a colour they recognise.

I had an interesting conversation with my younger daughter Chloe a couple of weeks ago, she spent much of the summer living in a Delhi slum and visited Mumbai  as part of her course on social anthropology. On her return what she found interesting was a lecture back in the UK where Mumbai’s airport slum was discussed and the reaction of her fellow students. They were appalled and thought everyone was trying to get out and the answer was to dismantle the slum and rehouse everyone. Chloe was equally appalled, but at their lack of understanding of the reality of a working successful community working to survive live and love against the odds. Not that there weren’t ways lives could be improved but the western solution, bring in the bulldozers just was so wrong. (Incidentally this approach has been tried in India – it was as you would expect a disaster).

There are lots of “problems” here but lack of access to choice and opportunity, be that from birth, lack of education, sexual inequality, caste, religion, education I could go on and on, is the killer. To improve things increasing access to those opportunities and choices is key. If you are looking for somewhere to invest your donation I strongly suggest you focus your money on charities trying to do just that, in whatever way works wherever they are. 

Kev
28-11-13



Tuesday 19 November 2013

What day is it? Does it make any difference?


TODAY IS WEDNESDAY

After 5 weeks in India i have reached the point where I don't know what day or date it is and no idea what's going on in the outside world. I also have no idea what's happening in Strictly, X Factor or any of the soaps. If admitted to hospital I would probably be diagnosed as borderline demented. The only regular clue I get is the calendar day stamps on my blood pressure tablet which I take first thing. Does it worry me? Not one bit, the sun rises in the morning, I get up and have my coffee, I pootle about a bit, it gets hot, I have a read and a kip, then in the evening it gets dark and when i'm tired i go to bed.

Here there's no such thing as a weekend to frame the working week, it seems a very foreign construct. I know Indian government departments and big corporations adhere to the 5 day working week but in day to day life it has little effect. Shops are open or they are closed, its all rather random, there are so many different religions here "Sunday" can be any day, Bank Holidays are as likely to be mid week as on a Monday and reflect the ethnic diversity, Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Sikh, all are celebrated. It does on occasion get confusing but as I said the sun still rises and sets, folks spend time with their families, washing gets done, shopping happens, people go to work, find time to go to the beach, sleep, exercise, etc. Ah! I can hear some of you say what about "work-life balance", where is the "quality time" I could never cope with this chaotic approach.

True, folk work long hours here but here's a few things to ponder upon. When you get home from your working day or at weekends do you always totally forget about work? Is your conversation about what happened today and what's going to happen tomorrow? Do you ever just "dip in" to your work emails "to get ahead of the game"? When watching the news do you pay attention to the bits about (in my case) Healthcare? Are many of your Facebook friends colleagues? Do you socialize with people you work with? Just how much of your physical and mental energy and time is work taking out of your life, insidious isn't it? And if you actually love the job... its worse. You may have much (and i do mean MUCH)  better working conditions than folk here but are you still in a cage, granted a guided cage one which you have collaborated in building but still a cage. I know I was.

We all live in our own little realities inside our heads...

NOTE FROM EGO - "No we don't I live in the REAL world"

Do you? That's nice, how's it working out for you? Firstly define REAL. You experience and interpret the world around you through the filters of your own emotions, experience and knowledge i.e we live in the past.

Side note - Did you ever think about the fact nothing you experience is in real time, its already happened. What you see has traveled to you at the speed of light to your eye, its then converted to electrical impulses and conveyed to your visual center in the brain, decoded and passed on for recognition and finally interpretation. Its only "fast" because you have never experienced anything faster. e.g. ADSL broadband was amazingly quick going from dial up - now with fibre it seems to take an age, you only know what you have experienced, "directly" or via others. In evolutionary terms we have evolved to think as fast as we needed to to survive, so it conveyed an advantage, some creatures react much faster than you or I could because they need to. So if someone tells you you are living in the past... they are right, we all are.

As I was saying, we all live caged in our own little worlds, sometimes, not all the time, that would be mad making, its a good idea to challenge those realities. Travel, at its best, does that for you. Go on, bend a few bars.

K
Happy Hump Day


Sunday 17 November 2013

Food, How to avoid Mysore Arse and related stuff

Its a bit overcast here today, Sarah is at the asylum  ashram so I've decided to knock out my guide to eating and staying well while in India.

Everyone has to eat, OK some more than others and some make it the reason to live but we all have to eat. For many of you coming to India the food is one of the main attractions, I know it was for me. Firstly lets get some of the myths out of the way.

You will get food poisoning


Rubbish, follow the simple guidelines i'll give below and you are not much more likely to get food poisoning in India than back at home. You will have a "change of bowel habits" though, its inevitable. In India you are likely to have had your five-a- day fruit and veg by the end of breakfast, most of the food is unprocessed and high in fibre, you will be spending time in a hot climate and have variable hydration, you will probably drink more fruit juices in your time here than in the rest of the year. Basically your gut will have to work harder than its ever done just to shift the food around, coupled with the tendency to over order and over eat on holiday it would be amazing if your tum didn't indicate its displeasure. And I haven't even started on the impact of large quantities of onion, garlic, chili, ginger and coriander on your spice naive system. So how to cope and still enjoy some of the best food around? Here's my advice based on being here for at least 2x3 weeks per year for the last six years, eating in 5 star hotels and roadside shacks, from Hard Rock Cafe in Bangalore to the Kerala Cafe here in Kovalam via the Palaces in Mysore.

International Hotels are safer to eat in than road side shacks

One of the biggest myths around is if you are paying more for your food in a large hotel its safer than street food and hotels perpetuate this with scare stories of veg washed in ditch water and "unclean" cooks. Well they would wouldn't they? From experience the International Buffet so beloved of hotels is the one to avoid, you have no idea when it was all cooked, how long it has sat in those heated serving dishes and who or what has dipped into them before you get your turn. It may be true all the veg in these places is washed in the finest filtered mineral water, but i doubt it no one washes spuds in mineral water, its expensive and you are going to boil them for 30 mins or heat them up to buggery in hot oil anyway, its how fresh was it in the first place, when it was cooked, what its cooked in and served with that counts. Salads and fruit are different, you want them rinsed well in clean water, if you aren't sure, avoid and this is true everywhere. 

Some of the best and tastiest food I have eaten has been in small family restaurants. Spotting them can be fun, basic tips are look for the number of indians eating there (think Chippy, if there were two chip shops side by side one with a queue out the door and the other empty which one would you buy from?), also look for Meals Ready signs. Meals Ready means just that, they cook a meal from whats good and available and make a batch, when its gone its gone. You will be unlikely to have a choice buts that's the fun and will discover new things you didn't even know existed yet alone that you liked.  A note of caution here, don't drink the water that will come with the meal, ask for bottled water or canned drinks and check the seal isn't broken. (note - when you have drunk your bottle of water crush it, most bottled water tells you to do just that on the label). Thali meals are always good value, contents are variable but in general you will get a large portion of rice (here in kerala it will probably be whole grain matta rice, much better than the white rubbish in tourist restaurants, it actually tastes of something in its own right) a thin lentil and veg curry usually poured over the rice, curd (that's yogurt to you and me) a couple of other thicker veg/lentil curries/chutneys, a coconut sambal a popodum and a pickle or two. For fish or meat thali's there will be a small piece of chicken, occasionally mutton aka goat or fish accordingly. Order a chipati to go with it (this will also be your cutlery). Before you start ask if there is somewhere you can wash your hands (there will be, it might just be a bucket and a beaker but use it) then wash them again with antiseptic gel. Enjoy.

I like my curries "Indian Spicy"

Indian spicy is a term used by waiters to mean fully chili loaded, its not how most Indians have their food, not all the time anyway if you don't believe me try a few thali meals, they all come out of the same pot so you will be getting exactly what they are eating. True they are full of spice and flavor but not so hot they remove the lining of your intestine, often they come with a roasted or fried chili to crumble over your food, its a seasoning rather than an ingredient. As a guide remember "Ring of Fire" is a Johnny Cash song not a medical term. If, like me, you love chilli slowly increase your tolerance, doing Indian Spicy on day one will get you in the end, literally.

If i'm ill i'll just take Imodium and i'll be fine

No you won't, if you are unlucky enough to get full blown Mysore Arse rather than just a few loose stools Imodium won't even come close, if your kids get it especially if they are throwing up or irritable and lethargic seek medical help as they dehydrate fast. To re-hydrate the locals use rice water, the water the rice is boiled in, if i have no dioralyte, flat 7 up is a usable substitute. As you reintroduce solids plain grilled chicken and plain rice are a good starting point, drink plenty of water but avoid fruit juices and dairy.

Mmmmm pineapple

The fresh pineapple here is out of this world, sweet and like nothing you will eat in the UK. Enjoy it, BUT in moderation. Its like pouring petrol on a fire if you have a dicky tum, beware. 

Swimming in the pool is so much safer than the sea

True you are a bit less likely to drown but not all pools are as clean as they might look, beware of tummy upsets and ear infections. Ask how often and when the pool is cleaned, take a mo it watch and see if the water is tested and/or given a daily chlorine shock. If not... its up to you but you will be sharing the water with folk who haven't followed the above advice, particularly those cesspits of infection - Kids. (re; those prone to ear infections, two tips never share your ipod/phone earphones with anyone else and Speedo do swimming earplugs which are made from Microban, the antiseptic stuff you can get in some chopping boards, they seem to work for me. You can get them on Amazon).

I've got my factor 30 suntan lotion and am under my umbrella so i'm safe

NOOOOOOO!!!! its still 90+ F in the shade, you are dehydrating much faster than you think, especially if there is a breeze and you don't notice how much you are sweating. Drink (non-alcoholic, non fruit based stuff).

OK that's about it, the sun has come out and I'm off to the beach, sorry if this edition hasn't been as light hearted as others but  follow the above and you are much more likely to have an enjoyable time.

K





Saturday 16 November 2013

Sunsets & Surviving 93 F at 100% humidity

A Spiritual Sunset


Yesterday evening i enjoyed a magical moment, a spectacular sunset over the Indian ocean. Beautiful sunsets here are ten-a-penny as we face west and the sun sinks into the ocean. Last night it was different almost mystical. The light was a gentle salmon pink and just as it faded achieved a vivid quality which took my breath away. At the same time we were treated to a torrential localised downpour, each rain drop sparkled red and orange as it fell. Everyone stopped what they were doing and just watched as the setting sun's light was captured and fell to earth in a rain of fire. It couldn't have lasted for more than a few moments but in that time time itself seemed to stop. The intensity of the experience gradually faded and the moment was finally and somehow appropriately broken by the call to prayer from the mosque down on the beach.

The moment gone i poured myself another mango fizz (gin, fresh mango juice, soda over ice 2:1:3) and thought about our first month in India.

Living here is a strange mixture of the mystical and the madcap, the chaotic hustle and bustle of 1.5 billion people going about their daily lives, abject poverty literally living alongside massive wealth, slum shack next to multimillion dollar mansions built with the hard currency of India's technological miracle, the personal kindness we had been shown and the crushing cruelty of poverty we had seen, beggars and the mega-rich. Last night we all stopped to watch as nature put on a free show which outperformed any Diwali firework display. It was truly humbling.

I'm not a religious person or even a particularly spiritual one but here there is something intangible, something which seeps into the fabric of the place that's hard to describe and lends itself to thoughts of "something bigger". It goes beyond organised religion, though there are plenty of them to choose from here, and somehow touches my very essence of being.

Two more mango fizzes later I'm considering applying for the job of Pope.

Sleeping in 100% humidity

Last night it was no hotter than the night before, i.e. about 90+ F but it had rained just before bedtime. This was very bad news as the humidity soared to 100%. In real terms this feels like 120 degrees and is into sauna territory. Even the locals find this uncomfortable. I don't remember if i've already told you but we don't do air conditioning. If you are here for a couple of weeks fine, but if you are here longer air con will make you feel bloody awful. Longer term you never acclimatise to the heat, your body will continue to sweat at UK rates, you will dehydrate and have a cornflake filled nose and constant headache. So we don't and I'd advise you not to either but its your choice.

But there is a down side to non-A/C if it rains for just a few mins before bed its going to be a "sticky one". Last night was such a night. I must admit it wasn't helped by the mango fizz. So how to cope? Here are my tips, I have done all of them to various degrees of success, some are blindingly obvious others less so.


  • Don't go to bed if you aren't going to go to sleep - all you will do is make your bed sweaty, 
  • Have a cool shower - not a cold one it will make you feel worse, and if you only have an en-suite remember SHUT THE DOOR as it will supersaturate the air with even more water.
  • Rather than using a mossie plug in thingy get a net, that way you can have the windows open
  • if the room is tiled - try lying on the floor with a wet towel on you, as it drys it will cool you down.
  • If all else fails - get up, read, listen to music stay awake all night sitting under a fan then kip on the beach in the morning. (p.s. If you can, buy a battery powered fan on Amazon/eBay before you come out. Sods law states the thunderstorm which raised the humidity will also have killed the mains power, which also means if you have gone the A/C route and your hotel/lodging doesn't have a very big generator you will be feeling really rough and near hysterical).
  • If you are totally at your wits end call for a taxi and go for a night time drive with the windows open.
I went down the get up and read route.

By request the next blog will be about food, eating out and how to avoid Mysore Arse.







Thursday 14 November 2013

Passing more than time waiting for a telecom engineer and evoking Indian gods

We have finally got broadband and cable TV, in the apartment it was ordered on Saturday and i was promised faithfully that it would be in by Monday night. You'd think i'd know by now that time is variable here in fact it took 4 days. Here's how it went,

Saturday - signed papers, a very nice man from Asianet called Praveen came to explain the various packages, bandwidth, speed, allowances, cost, etc. His english was slightly better than my mayalam, I can say thank you, he could say hello and goodbye. Fortunately he had a leaflet where all the tech stuff was in English the rest in Malayam (except for the small print which was also in English - funny that, you'd think they don't want the local population to read that bit - surely not).

We got on like a house on fire, i showed him my laptop, chromebook, kindles, nexus, phones and iPod Touch and confirmed through the medium of indian contemporary dance they all would be able to log in to the wifi. I knew those hours spent watching Bollywood movies would finally pay off.

By means of a particularly enchanting series of hand gestures, head movements and nifty foot work I agreed to an unlimited 30 gb deal with the fastest speed they do (2 mbps) fast enough to stream Test Match Special ready for the Ashes.

I handed over the 3000 Rupees (£30), 1500 Rs for installation and the same for the first months line rental he in turn gave me his phone number in case of any problems. He assured me it would definitely be in by Monday.

Sunday - as expected, nothing happened, it just rained a lot.

Monday - Phone call to check when to expect the engineer, I was told after 2pm. so we went to the beach and returned for 1:30pm to be sure we wouldn't miss him. By 5 p.m. no one had arrived and a call confirmed they had had a problem at the exchange with the fibres and it would be after 10 a.m. in the morning.

Tuesday - by noon no one had arrived so I rang Praveen, they were coming after 2 pm - all was OK. At 4 p.m. Chris phoned to see if we had cable yet, I told him not as yet but Praveen had promised. Chris rang him and within 30 mins the cable guys arrived in the rain. Apparently my phone call and double pirouette hadn't done the trick earlier. We were then treated to a daring high wire act as the engineer balanced on the top of an aluminium ladder wedged into the back of his truck and connected a new cable to the splinter box which was hung 4 feet below the HT national grid power lines. Sarah wanted to take his photo but decided getting him to wave his soaking wet screwdriver over his head inches from certain death was probably not a good idea as it might delay the installation.

The engineer then informed us the modem/outer would be with us by 5:30 as it needed to come from Trivandrum so we sat down to wait for the next phase. By 8 p.m. we gave up.

Wednesday - I woke in serious pain, and i do mean serious, not only was I in pain but how was I going to communicate with Praveen, no way could I do that spin, tap, spin move required to tell him we still hadn't got our modem. It felt like someone had taken a machete and cut me in half from the bottom of my dangly bits to the middle of my back. This was worrying, much worse than Mysore Arse, I didn't know if I should or could stand, sit or lye down. It was 5:30 a.m. and no one to talk to for advice (OK i could have phoned home or AmEx but I wasn't thinking straight and I didn't want to let Sarah know just how much pain I was in) So i took two imodium, two paracetamol, two nurophen and drank a litre of water and curled up on the bed waiting to die. By 8:30 i was at my wits end went to the loo for a pee and PING!!! A small grape pip sized black object appeared in the loo. The pain instantaneously went, I had passed a small kidney stone. Ohhh joy!!! The relief was unbelievable, now there was absolutely no pain, it was as if someone had thrown the off switch in pain central it really was that fast most importantly I COULD DANCE AGAIN!!!!

This isn't the first time i've passed a kidney stone, but the first one for over 10 years, I'd completely forgotten about the fact that if i get modrately  dehydrated for a long period of time and live on lots of oxalate containing fruit and veg I'm prone to the damn things. Oh well if I needed an excuse to drink more here it was, sitting in the loo pan looking back at me.

I downed another liter of water and was back on the phone to Praveen, Anton Du Beck had nothing on me as i indicated my displeasure at having to stay in for yet another day waiting for the modem to arrive. I was told it would be here by 2 p.m. (dip, swoop, jazz-hands). By 3 p.m. I discovered Asianet had a Facebok page - I posted my dissatisfaction on their FB page with my phone, there for all the world to see, that would show them I wasn't to be messed with. 30 mins later there was a phone call to say the engineer would be with us in 30 mins, and he was and 15 mins later we had broadband, no TV as that needed another box from Trivandrum but now we had established I was a man prepared to use the world wide web to get what I wanted I knew they would deliver. I was dead chuffed, until 10 mins later Chris rang to say he had called them and threatened to cancel the contract if they didn't get their arses in gear, he had evoked a higher deity than the of of dance. He had explained to Asianet that I wanted to watch Sachin Tendulkar play in his final test and if they couldn't get things sorted before he went into bat at 11 a.m. on Thursday they could shove their modem and cable box up their collective arses. Now they understood the true urgency of the situation and my need for speed was fully understood. The sudden change had nothing to do with my withering wit on the internet but a fear of losing the contract and the reverence that is commanded by the little master, ST.


Thursday - gave key to Mumtaz, the lady who owns the apartment and lives downstairs and went to the beach.  On our return cable TV and broadband were both up and running and Mr T was 38 not out at the close of play. All was right with the world.

Today is Friday, breakfast, beach and hopefully watch one of the world's greatest batsmen get 100 in his final Test appearance.

p.s. I have now realized that though my interpretive dance moves were impressive they were of little use when conversing by phone.




Monday 11 November 2013

Four weeks in, Crows and EPCOT vs India

Four weeks in, Crows and EPCOT vs India


So we have been here for 4 weeks now and beginning to settle in nicely, the apartment is beginning to feel like home and though hasn’t as much space as the house had its in a much better place, 3 mins to the beach, not as busy, more Rock than Padstow (minus the Henrys).

We have spent the last week getting the essentials for Indian life, a tawa (a bit like a crepe pan) for making dosas and toast, a juicer/blender/wet’n’dry grinder for making masala pastes, a large kettle (the travel kettle just wasn’t up to the job), 25 litre mineral water bottles and dispenser, various spices and dhals, a supply of fresh yogurt (aka curd) and 5 hundred weight of fruit (various).

Sarah has just come in from a run to Samudra beach not far but in 90+ C heat “a bit taxing” she took the coastal path rather than running along the beach as the sand is soft and she thought it would be easier. Pity she forgot about the steps, she is now sitting on the bathroom floor with the shower on full blast, her running clothes are strong enough to make their own way to the washing basket.

We don’t have a washing machine here, we have a man who picks up the laundry, washes, irons and returns it. No doubt its been to some stream or other along the way and had the hell beaten out of it on a rock but it comes back clean and smelling nice. Talking of washing in streams we saw one of the strangest pieces of bird behavior last week. A local woman had just finished her weekly wash in the stream at the side of the road when out of nowhere a murder of crows and jackdaws appear filling the trees around her. As she packed up to go one by one the crows took it in turns to have a bath, splashing around in the soap suds, rinsing themselves off in the clean water then sitting in the trees, wings out stretched to dry off.  No wonder crows are known as feathered apes, they must have sussed the soap cleans their feathers and maybe acts as an anti-flea treatment too. It was comical watching them patiently queue up to take their turn. Does sir want the full wash, rinse and dry?

One of the best things about being here is the unexpected trivial things we observe, things the locals no longer see as they are so familiar to them. Everyday life has a new and vibrant colour to it here, familiar but alien it shocks, mystifies and delights in equal proportion. We love it.

I've been asked is how do you cope with the poverty, the squalor, the injustice? A friend once said to me “I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t live there, seeing all those things… we prefer Florida”. To her it was as if I was talking about going to see a horror film. Her solution being if you don’t go and see it, it doesn’t exist for you, you have no emotional or personal responsibility for what you haven’t seen.

This is the difference between holidays and travelling or living in a country. Living here is not like a film, just another entertainment, packaged, sanitised and PG rated, its about being here, a HumanBEING not just searching for the next cling film wrapped thrill. I saw an apartment room advertised yesterday, below the name of the residence was the slogan “Our rooms are clean but not sterile” I think they were trying to say they had character rather than interesting diseases for you to enjoy, at least I hope so. But for me it summarised how some people travel in and through life, they want the glam and glitz but none of the reality, a clean but not sterile existence. I think of them as the EPCOT travellers, folk who want to see the world but want to do it in an afternoon, never be more than 500 meters from a clean toilet and be able to get fries with whatever they are eating.

 I’ve been to Epcot’s version of India, all maharajah’s palaces, elephants, Hindu gods and men in turbans. It’s about as real as Dick Van Dyke’s version of cockney. No beggars, no slums, no tuk-tuk death race (they really should have included it as a ride) no poverty, no real people, no real smiles, no wobbling of the head in resignation that what will happen will happen, no dirt, no plastic bags, no humanity.

The thing which defines India above all others is missing, the humanity of 1.5 billion people living together. (I doubt even using CGI Disney has the budget for that).

EPCOT may be a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. Give me India, with its problems and joys every time.

Oh well the cable guy is due this morning, pity the electricity is still off from last night’s storm, time for breakfast.


K

Wednesday 6 November 2013

Location Location, Location - India Style

Morning all, its dawn 5: 57 a.m. here in India so 00:27 back in the UK. I’ve been up since 5 a.m. as usual woken by the call to prayer from the mosque on the beach.  The air though still is cool and fresh and coupled with a rather good cup of coffee sitting here on the balcony listening to the waves breaking on the beach it’s a good way to start the day.

So, when I last wrote we were “homeless” hardly on the streets though as we were staying in a rather nice room waiting for the Keralan government to stop fannying around and issue the licence for our home.  But after three weeks of living in a hotel we were getting cabin fever, there was no personal space and it was getting claustrophobic. Also if we held on any longer and the licences wasn’t granted it would have meant al the best reasonably priced places would have been snapped up by the incoming wave of Russians due to arrive over the next week or so. 

So that was that, time to look for another home in which to spend the winter, it was time to play the Indian version of “Location, location, location”. Chris and Ravi immediately leapt to our aid though Chris has too much hair to play the part of Phill and Ravi our faithful tuk-tuk driver wasn’t prepared to dress up as Kirstie (not for the money we were prepared to tip anyway).
In our Indian version of the show all houses are mystery houses and we had eight to see in a morning.

Essential Criteria in no particular order were:
·         Licenced
·         Light
·         Reasonably spacious
·         Nice area
·         2/3 bedrooms
·         No more expensive than the house we had hoped to rent
·         Cable TV/internet (3G internet access in Kovalam is good and relatively cheap but Skype and access to Test Match Special  tends to munch the GBs at an alarming rate)

Chris also added his own criteria of
·         relatively few mossies
·         not too far from either where he lives and/or works (so he could keep an eye on us).

Off we set bottle of water in hand, Sarah and I in Ravi’s tuk-tuk, Chris riding on ahead on his motorbike.

House 1

Good points – large second floor apartment, 3 beds magnificent view out over Kovalam beach, owner prepared to decorate the entire place that weekend,
Bad Points – over a massage parlour, constant smell of massage oils, no glass in windows, no mossie nets over windows. Only one bathroom but owner prepared to put one in in a spare room.

House 2 (behind House 1)

Good points – reasonable size, 2 beds, clean (no need to redecorate) small balcony on the side with views out over the beach.
Bad points – building work behind the house Digger in the back garden, noisy.

House 3 (about 2 km from the beach on a back street – very Indian neighbourhood)

Good points quite large former Ayevedic treatment centre 3 bed/treatment rooms complete with own massage/treatment table and oil drip tray.
Bad points – very dark

House 4 (near house 3)

Small Indian family home (think large garage plus shed) – met on doorstep by current resident in vest and pants, baby asleep suspended by bungee cord in a shopping bag hung from the ceiling. One bedroom, considered if we got a bigger shopping bag would it do for Thomas and Lauren? – Moved on.

House 5 (Penthouse in newish build overlooking Lighthouse beach)

Good points - Very un-Indian modern apartment, best views yet over lighthouse beach, large open plan lounge, glass conservatory/dining room mossie nets on all windows, luxury spacious living. 2 bedrooms, separate access to second bedroom from outside.
Bad points – the reason for the nets and glass conservatory, this was mossie central and Chris aka Phil decided we couldn’t afford it.

Houses 6,7,8 Apartment block 100 meters from house 5

Similar issues as house 5 and came with own pet cockroaches.

After much debate – i.e. as much debate as you can have in the time it takes to drink half a bottle of beer. We had two choices, house 1 or 2 , we had excluded houses 3 and 4 and Chris had decided 5,6,7 & 8 weren’t for us.

In the end we went for house #2 as predicted by Kirstie aka Ravi.

We moved in two days later and have been playing house ever since (good news re: building work, its a swimming pool being built for the new hotel and has a completion date of the 14th Nov. Sarah thinks we should be able to pay the hotel (i.e. bribe the staff) for access, so we have an apartment with a pool.

Well done Phil and Kirstie you’ve done it again!!!

And now…. Breakfast.
Kellogg’s Banana Cornflakes, fresh juice, toast & more coffee.

K&S


Monday 4 November 2013

Heathrow to Kovalam and our first weeks in India





From memory I think my last post was in the hotel room in Reading three weeks ago so I’ll pick up the story from there.

Reading to Heathrow


The taxi arrived on time and we lugged the cases down to the foyer, it was 8:30 a.m. and by now I was wide awake having been up since 2:30. I had popped out for breakfast in MacDonald’s at 4:30 with the last of the die hard clubbers while Sarah slept on. It was an experience to say the least but it passed an hour or so.
Now it was time to journey on and my main concern was were we going to be able to fit all our luggage and us into one taxi? Fortunately they had sent a large BMW estate so we were fine. Check-in was a breeze but we had 3 hours to kill before our flight time. We cleared security without too much phaffing about and so we were soon munching away on tikka and samosas in the Air India lounge. Next the mandatory duty free shopping 2 bottles of Bombay Blue Sapphire and two of Smirnoff Blue label (you are allowed 2 bottles of duty free each if you are flying to India),  the lady at the checkout looked at us with concern and tried to explain the “internal flight problem” we had previously encountered in April. We told her we had it sussed and packed all four bottles in a rucksack filled with towels.
In no time at all the three hours flew by, helped by the odd complementary V&T back in the lounge. What? Ok it may have only been 10:00 BST but I was already on Indian time and it was 14:30 there.
Once on the plane it was time for lunch/dinner, depending on which time zone you were in, and then a nap. I’ve given up trying to watch films on flights, I tend to fall asleep anyway and miss the ending.


Mumbai 2:30 A.M Indian time

We arrived at Bombay Mumbai (Airport identifier still  BOM) having had a good sleep and well fed ready for the excitement which is Indian Immigration, Baggage Handling, Transfer and Customs. This is a game everyone can play (in fact it’s mandatory if you want to get into India). If you have never tried it you have absolutely no idea or reference point to compare it with. Those of us that have, have a common bond, we approach it with a battle scared look in our eyes and a knowing nod to each other, it requires an inner calmness and at no point should you show fear or concern for those that fall by the wayside as there will be many. You know you have one mission and one mission only, to get to your final destination with as many of your traveling companions and/or bags as possible. Dare to dream of “All” but be prepared to settle for “most”.

Here are some tips to get you through –

  • ·         Pre Flight Packing – never put all your undies/pairs of shoes/tablets in one bag and always have a change of clothes in your hand luggage so when your case is lost you can at least survive for 24 hours (This is the time it takes for a new complete wardrobe to be made from scratch in India and any meds needed dispensed).
  • ·         Consider having your children(or elderly relative) micro chipped/attached to long dog walking leads/handcuffed to your luggage trolley – In Mumbai, the chances of keeping any family of greater than four together in baggage reclaim and transfer are slightly worse than keeping your luggage together.
  • ·         Karma and baggage reclaim – Those of you who got to the airport early to get the seats with extra leg room are now about to be paid back for your “comfortable” flight as your bags were first onto the plane, they will be last off, except for one bag which will somewhere in the middle to give you a false sense of hope then make you wonder where are the rest.
  • ·         If the unthinkable (inevitable) happens and you are left staring at an empty carousel long after everyone one else has gone to join the customs queue don’t panic. Walk up to the nearest baggage assistance kiosk, explain the circumstances, be prepared for much head wobbling, It may be some kind soul has unloaded  your bag and put it somewhere else if not – its only a bag and depending on your final destination may still get there before you do. (the same applies to children and relatives), above all BE NICE… you may be sleep deprived, frantic about what you have in your case and want to kick the nearest person but remember s/he has to work in this 8th level of Hell 6 days a week.

Trivandrum

Airport security wanted to do the “you give me all your duty free routine” again but we are old hands at it now and just checked it into the hold. We both managed to sleep the two hour flight down to Trivandrum and arrived relatively awake and ready to go. In baggage reclaim all our bags had arrived and were on the trolley in under 10 mins of touch down – a new All India Record or us.

Unfortunately two other travelers weren't so lucky a mom and her daughter on their first trip to India stood looking more and more worried as the carousel of bags got smaller and smaller, emptied and stopped. None of their bags had made it from Mumbai and they were heading off to Vakulla for a two week holiday. All they had were the clothes they stood up in and a couple of Toblerones. All we could do was offer sympathy and point them towards the luggage desk. When last seen they were deep in conversation with an Air India official head wobbling set to maximum.

We loaded our trolley and moved outside the terminal where Chris one of our friends had agreed to pick us up. With a certain amount of pushing and judicious strapping on of cases on the roof he managed to fit us and our ridiculous amount of luggage into an on a medium sized hatchback. In India there is always enough room, I have regularly seen entire families, papa, mama, 10 year old child and baby in arms along with the weekly shopping on a scooter. Things you wouldn’t get into your people carrier are regularly moved by motorbike. It’s the norm here.

There is no experience like landing in India or the first drive from the airport, the transition from air conditioned aircraft and airport to the chaotic hustle and bustle of the roadside. We have been doing this for 7 years now and it still literally takes our breath away. Everything is turned up to 11, the bright colours, the smells, the noise, the number of people, the intensity that is India, cows alongside brand new 4x4 Landcruisers, the iconic white Austin Ambassador taxis and the yellow and black three wheeled tuk-tuks and the people. If at any point you are considering driving yourself while here I suggest you do the following:

  1. Buy a copy of the local paper
  2. Sit down with a coffee or chai and read it from cover to cover
  3. Count the number of roads deaths on that one day
  4. If you are still thinking of hiring a car – hail a tuk-tuk and ask him to drive you across the city at noon
  5. Realise just how stupid an idea that was then hire a cab for the day, it should cost you about a tenner.

It was during the drive from the airport Chris dropped a bombshell, we couldn't have our house. i.e. we were homeless. The local authorities in the part of Kovalam we had hoped to stay hadn’t got round to granting the licences for the owners to rent out their properties yet. We could store our cases, use the washing machine in fact do anything we liked there except sleep.
If we had never been here before this might have been “a tad worrying” but we knew the score after all it is why the wobble head was developed a practical and philosophical response to everyday life here. We dropped our bags at the house, headed to our favorite restaurant, had breakfast and within 20 mins had a clean, large hotel room with balcony, 100 meters from the sea, cost - £2.50 per person per night. We then set about the important job of “doing nothing while the papers were sorted”. This involved, sunbathing, swimming in the sea, rediscovering restaurants, catching up with friends, listening to old podcasts of the News Quiz, reading worthy and not so worthy novels i.e. we did the holiday stuff and acclimatized to the heat.

By the end of two weeks we had had enough of waiting and decided it was time to move on, as lovely as the old house was it was looking less and less likely we would be in it anytime soon so reluctantly we decided it was time to play “A House in the Country” and go and look for somewhere else. Chris came to our aid once again and off we went, but more of that next time.

Saturday 12 October 2013

And we're off!!

Exeter to Reading 


Sunday 04:05 (BST) - Reading


Its 4:00 a.m. or 8:30 a.m  India time and i'm wide awake, the switching to India time before we fly seems to have worked. Sarah who is still on UK time is trying to sleep but not having much luck, not to sure why, the bed was ok. She has just mumbled something sounded like "cupid hat" and "f***ing browsing the web at 4 in the morning". Her eyes are shut so i expect she is dreaming or  having a nightmare.

The journey from Okehampton by train was ok, and hopefully the most uncomfortable part of the trip. There was less leg room than on a Ryan Air Airbus Cram-em-in 320. As they say we "Let train take the strain" rather than driving, what they don't tell you is if you're 6ft 3 you get the back and neck ache instead, but we got here in roughly one piece which was good.

We had decided to make the most of our joint 138 kg baggage allowance,  after all we are going to be in India for 5 months. So the 6 cases (plus two carry on bags another 30 kgs) were packed with such essentials as 4 kgs of coffee, two full size memory foam pillows, and a wall safe with 4 tubes each of epoxy resin and hardener to stick it down on arrival. The safe actually weighed less than the coffee.

So how heavy is 168 kgs? Its the same as two grown men plus a small child. We had to abandon the idea of Tom taking us to the railway station as we couldn't fit it and us in his Audi A3 but fortunately a neighbor offered to take us and we managed to cram all the bags and us into or his Discovery (just).

All was good at Exeter St David's, Sarah managed to bag a trolley to get us from the car to platform 3 and then to platform 5 as Sarah had misread the board, "What a silly sausage!!" I happily joshed, so what if we had to run? "dearie me!!" I said, or some such words,  How i laughed as i pushed the equivalent of 2 dead bodies at break neck speed back into the lift to get to the other side of the station, scattering other passengers who skipped joyously out of my way as we made our dash to get there before the train disappeared. (Look, its my blog and I'll tell it how i want to OK? There was no blood, or broken bones and we got on the train by wedging the door open and throwing the cases into the train).

Once we were finally on board Sarah sat in her seat grinning, "That was fun, and you know what? I did exactly the same thing last time I was going to London" I thought it best not to comment, actually I couldn't as I was still trying to get my breath back.  Probably for the best

Reading is in the process of urban renewal and actually looks quite nice .now i.e it looks clean and the same as every other Shopping Mall. As part of this the station is getting a make over, it will be nice when its finished but that did cause us another problem as we hurled our two dead body weight cases onto the platform. There were no trolleys. So we carried them, all of them up and across the tracks to the main entrance. Half way we took a break, right next to two railway workers who were having a chat, one about 25 the other nearer 50. Both looked at us, and could see we where struggling the younger chap walked towards and then past us through a door marked private - staff only. On on the back of his Hi-Vis jacket were two words Customer Service. I was just about to knock on the door and shake him warmly by the throat when the older chap came over, picked up two of our cases and asked where we were trying to get to, he carried them all the way to the taxi and disappeared before we could even think about tipping him.

Ok so its now 5:00 Sarah has resorted to putting on her noise cancelling earphones, must be the air-con keeping her awake. Anyway, back to typing.

Our overnight Hotel is fine, clean, modern nothing to comment on here really. We decided to pop out for something to eat and after a couple of hiccups (Waggamoma's was queuing out the door, the latin american place was too load and busy) we went to All-Bar-One. I had a really good burger and chips (unless we go up to Bangalore and go to the Hard Rock Cafe burger is off the menu for 5 months, even McDonald's is cow free in India) Sarah had Tapas i.e bits of stuff, chicken, halumi, prawns. It was good, we stopped off for coffee and hot chocolate at Cafe Nero on the way back and I was fast asleep before Strictly was over.

Time for another coffee, maybe I should wake Sarah and ask if she wants a cup of tea, its 5:30. Nope I'll let her sleep on, for some reason she appears to have had a restless night.

Kev

7 hours and counting, renting a house in India, Saying goodbye to friends

4:50 A.M  Dartmoor 







Good Morning to you blog reader, its a bit early, I've been up since 3:30, I had to phone India to arrange the pick-up from the airport on Monday morning. Sometimes, even now it amazes me how easy it is to call someone on their mobile in India from here right on the edge of Dartmoor. Billions of pounds worth of technology, satellites, fiber optic cables instantaneously sending lots of ones and zeros at near the speed of light just to book a car for a 30 minute ride. It usually takes longer to get through to Oke Taxis to pick us up from the pub.

Before my birthday ramblings I had left our story with me on the beach last April listening to the Clash.
As I've got some time to kill before out neighbor takes us to catch the train I thought I'd try to bring things back up to date. i.e. the last 5 months in a single blog. Brace yourself... its going to be quick. A sort of readers digest version. It can be done e.g Hamlet in  14  words. Danish Prince deals with his uncle killing his dad and shacking up with his mom. (For full story with songs watch the Lion King). So here we go...



Kovalam Beach April 2013





I was now retired but Sarah was officially on holiday, as I've said we had both had enough and decided we were getting out to start a new life. However when that would happen depended on my redundancy /retirement going through, not if, just when we made the change was in question. She couldn't give her notice until we had confirmation and that didn't happen until we were on the M25, 2 hours before we got on the plane. Obviously, many people thought they knew what we were thinking but we couldn't confirm it until the cash hit the bank. We decided the moment we got home she would email her boss and hand in her notice. It wouldn't be easy living on just my pension, in real terms it was a 60% reduction in income but we had done our sums and it was doable.

Cutting our cloth


Firstly we added up the amount we spent getting to work. In our case 2 x 3.5 liter petrol V6 cars doing 300 miles per week each (OK i know this was a stupid waste of money but we loved them and at the time could just about afford to do it - lets just say they were our mid-life crisis indulgence), add in tax insurance etc. Then add all monthly credit card debt, inc the car loans.  The kids were working, coming up to the last year at uni and due to start work in September and mid uni with 2 years to go respectively. There were other bits and bobs but by my calculations and once all the recurrent costs were removed i was actually working for £100 p.c.m (less than 1 random wander round Waitrose or 1/3 the cost of keeping me in cigarettes). Total and utter madness, both the waste and the still smoking at 51.

There were some things we would need to do to make life livable but mostly they were things we had talked about for years. 1) get the house fully insulated - we were literally as well as metaphorically burning money. e.g Replace the large single glazed windows with tripples as they currently bled heat out onto the moor. 2) swap the cars for a nearly new sensible hatch back, balance paid off from lump sum (Decided to share a Datsun Kumquat and have two bikes). 3) Sell the children on Ebay - we had to abandon this one as they didn't reach their reserve price.

The best bit was discovering we could still keep our house on the edge of the moor and move to India for the winter. You don't believe me? OK it breaks down like this, cost of LPG during the winter months £250 for 4 cylinders x 5 months = £1250, cost of renting a 2 bed villa in Kovalam £240 pcm. And then there's food, e.g. cost of a lunch in the uk, 1 Sandwich, a drink, bag of crisps £3 (meal deal), cost of a fish thali (Rice, veg/lentil curry, piece of fish, pickles) 80 p. Bottle of beer Kingfisher UK supermarket price £2, in Kerala 80p Of course you need to get there first but take out the cost of random breaks and holidays, time needed to recover from the time spent working. (last year >£3,000) and the flight cost disappears.

In fact living the dream and having time for us should be cheaper than working. I hate management speak with a vengeance but this really was a no-brainer.

Loosing friends

Fern, Hector & Maddie with Montie and Archie, it had been a busy day


I'm not talking about you lot here, we can skype, phone email blog to our hearts content this was much worse, we would need to re-home the dogs, Fern & Hector. No way could we afford to kennel them through the winter and it would have been no life for them. At one point half the village were trying to find them a home, they had to stay together and be in a forever home where they could still be country dogs. In the end Labrador Rescue came to our aid and found them a loving home in Dorset. We have seen photos of them there, taken a day after arriving. Hector on the sofa fast asleep with his head on his new owners lap, Fern curled up in a new sheepskin bed. (disloyal gits!!!). Seriously, i'm glad they can continue to bring love and fun to a new family. They can be looked after in their new forever home as they looked after me when I was ill. The day they left was one of the hardest days I've ever had. Even now, a month on, writing this bit has me in tears.

Renting a home


By the end of the first week in Kovalam an opportunity came up to trial our dream before we made the final decision. We had told Chris one of our Indian friends we were thinking about renting a house for the winter and as usual Chris came up trumps. we were going for lunch at his place, it was his youngest daughter's birthday and we had an old laptop which was no longer fast or big enough to hold our lives on. Photos, music, films etc so we had decided to give it to Chris to give to her. In typical Chris style he insisted it should come from us and we should pop over to give it to her. That morning he had arranged for Ravi our tuk-tuk driver to pick us up to take us there. We had a few sweets and chocolates for Jodie and Grishma, Chris's wife and elder daughter and were sitting ready to go. We piled into the tuk-tuk and headed off up the hill. Ravi then took a sharp right and parked up, Chris had arranged with him to take us to an apartment to look at with a view to renting it that winter. It was fine, compact but fully air-conditioned, 3 mins from the beach and they wanted £280 pcm for it, it would do nicely but Chris hadn't finished. we jumped back into Ravi's little tuk-tuk and off we went again.

This time we went a little further back, we had no idea where we were, as it turned out we were just an 800 meter walk from the beach but no longer in foreign tourist land. This was where the middle class folk from Mumbai and Delhi had their second homes. It was on a small back road, tarmacked but one lane, surrounded by coconut trees and banana plants, there was a small brightly painted kindergarten across the road. The house was a green walled villa, two stories high and very Keralan with its pitched terracotta roof. The lower floor was a self contained flat, obviously at some point it had been the servant's quarters, the upper floor apartment was reached by a wide staircase up to a large covered balcony veranda about three times the size of our lounge at home. In the corner a wicker hanging basket chair swayed in the gentle breeze to complete the picture a 1 meter crystal chandelier hung over the front door.

Chris opened the door, inside opened up to an "L" shaped double aspect lounge with views out over the road and off up the hill. the place wasn't air conditioned but a ceramic tiled floor, double and at some points triple height ceiling, with two massive fans made the place feel cool and airy even though this was mid day. to the left behind a curtain covered arch was a 5 x 3 meter dining room with a large family dining table and chairs and off that a large kitchen with fridge, gas burners sink and granite worktops. All the walls except the one with the window which looked out over the outside staircase up to the roof, were hung with large dark wood cupboards. Just off the kitchen there was a utility/drying room with a washing machine. We walked back into the lounge and from there into the two bedrooms both large with plenty of cupboard space and en-suite loos and showers.

This was cruel, it felt like Jim Bowen had popped up and done his "this is what you could have won!!!" routine. The owner had arrived, apparently Chris's uncle, i'm not sure if this was an actual blood relative or not. I may need to explain here, uncle is a variable term in india, as is auntie, its a sign of respect and is used all the time. In India I have more aunties, uncles, brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces than i do here. He had come to give us the once over and through Chris explained how the place had only just become vacant as a Latvian lady had rented it for the previous 8 weeks. She had been difficult and on leaving had taken all the linen with her. It had cost her, 90,000 rupees for the two months about £450 pcm at today's exchange rate, about £500 at the time.

I knew it, we couldn't afford this one... Chris saw my face fall, he grinned and turned to his Uncle.
"Of course Uncle, you didn't get that much did you not with booking and agents fees and cleaning ?"
Uncle wobbled his head... we were about to play the game
"And Uncle these people are my friends and want to rent for 5 months not 8 weeks, And... they won't be steeling your sheets"
Again the head wobbled.

There is no such thing as a fixed price in India, except in some department stores but even then i'm not so sure.



The Game.

Indians love to negotiate and Chris is a master of the haggle. Respect, disbelief, smiles, frowns, anger, humor all play a part in this game. The first thing i learnt is its not about winning or losing, its about reaching a price both parties can feel they are happy with. Chris may have started the game but I had to play this time, this was his uncle and it wasn't fair to ask Chris to go head to head. I knew he would step in if i was going to get fleeced but it was up to me. I came in at 18,000 rupees pcm  pointing out there was no air-con, he came back at 30,000 saying he was going to put it in this year anyway, i went up to 20,000 saying i didn't need air-con and pointed out that the area was prone to drought and the well might dry-up, He said he was going to dig a new well anyway and moved to 25,000. I said I'd let him know in a day or so.

We went on to see an even bigger house, again just a little further back, 4 bedrooms this time and in need of a good clean but massive - £160 pcm. The decider was the fact it would have been a tuk-tuk ride to the beach, Ravi was keen on this one for some reason, maybe next year.

We then went on to Chris's for Anna's Birthday lunch and Jodie's wonderful home-cooked Keralan food.

Despite the higher price we had fallen in love with our little green house and gave Chris the news, so he rang his Uncle and said we were interested. We now had a house for the winter, and better yet as it was empty we got to "try before we bought" and moved in the next day staying there for the rest of the holiday. We met Uncle, shook on it and signed the agreement on the last day of our trip.

The five months between then and now have been a whirlwind of emotions and things to do, Sarah handing in her notice, seeing relatives and friends, saying goodbye to the dogs, beginning to move at a different pace.

So in short.

Sold cars, gave up-job, re-homed dogs, packed, moved to India for the winter. (14 words) As yet no Disney movie alternative.

7: 30 BST - Noon in India - Time for coffee and see you in Kovalam.

Not for us, not this year anyway....


Kevin