Wednesday 19 November 2014

A Enormous Spider, Jellyfish as lubricant, Santa comes to India, The Washing machine (Part II)

An Enormous Spider

Mornin’ I was just about to start typing this edition of the blog when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. At first I thought it was a mouse but then it spread its front two legs and waved them at me. It was a spider, the biggest spider I have ever seen outside a zoo, without exaggeration 4 inches from the tip of one hairy leg to the tip of the other. The body was 3 cm long, and an array of steel grey eyes glinted at me as it crawled out from behind Sarah’s bag to give me the once over. I say crawled out, in fact I think I saw it actually push the bag out of the way.

 IT WAS HUGE.

Being manly and the “protector of the home” I immediately did as all other men would have done in this position, woke Sarah. Obviously I was not scared of this eight eyed, eight legged, twin fanged intruder I just wanted her to have the opportunity to share in this wonderful moment of nature and needed someone to keep an eye on this nightmare while I went for the camera (there was no way this one was going to be allowed to slope off and leave me wondering where it had got to – see Facebook for pic) . She opened one eye and like some roman emperor immediately issued its death sentence. The question was how to do the deed? This was a big bugger. I know from previously looking up Tiger Centipedes in “All things that bite you in Southern India” that there are no lethally toxic spiders here in Kerala, unless you are allergic that is, but from some of the accounts of the spider bites on line some feel as though you have been “… stabbed with a red hot needle” or “… shot”, neither of which are my fave ways to start the day. Fortunately on our last trip to Pothys department store (see Santa comes to India later in this post) I had purchased an electric stun tennis racket/mossie killer/tazser thingy with a 6 inch head which if I got my first strike in just right would just about cover the damn thing. There was to be no “set to stun” If the first strike failed to incapacitate and he beastie managed to make a brake there was no way Sarah was going to get back to sleep, well one of us would need to keep watch while I typed. There was no room for error… Power Switch – ON, Charge Button – Pressed, wait for just the right moment and…

CRACK!!!!

SHIT!!! It didn’t die!!! It was still moving!!! AGAIN!!! HIT IT AGAIN!!!!

CRACK!!!!!

ITS STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!

Fortunately the 50,000 volts from the mossie tazser had stunned it so with a swift flick of the wrist I scooped it up on to the grid bit of the “electrobat” and then chucked it out into the night. I understand that ECT can cause memory loss, I’m just hoping its true for spiders too as I don’t want that one coming back looking for revenge.

Jellyfish as Lubricant

N.B. Before you rush out in search of jellyfish please read this to the end or you may live to regret it.

After 8 years of watching the fishermen on Kovalam beach haul in their catch I thought I’d seen it all. Fishing boats go out, make a loop around the bay with the net, fishing boat returns, fishermen pull the two ends of the net together on the beach while singing fisherman pulling in the net songs, jellyfish chucked out of the net, catch sorted, boat pulled up beach, net dried and repaired, start again tomorrow, end of. One thing I’d missed was what do they do with the jellyfish? Here nothing that can be used is allowed to go to waste and over the season they catch tons of the things, they are just an inedible slimy gloopy mass clogging up the nets, or so I thought until the other day.
At the end of dropping the nets into the sea the fishermen have to get the boats back onto the beach, there’s no slipway, no boat trolley and the boats are 25ft long solid timber jobs so how is it done? After all anyone who has sandpapered wood knows that sand and wood aren’t the most friction free combination. Enter the jellyfish, natural enemy of the body boarder, the fishermen use them to create slime highway , throwing them under the boats as they pull them up the beach. Simples… and it only took me 8 years to spot it.

N.B. – Again. I would think it is inadvisable to use jellyfish as any other type of lubricant but as they say… whatever floats your boat? J

Santa comes to India

He is here!!!! Honest, he is, I’ve seen him!!!! Well a twenty foot fibreglass version of him anyway. Santa has arrived in India or more accurately he has arrived at Pothys Department Store. As soon as the Diwali decorations came down up went the Christmas ones turning the store entrance in to a cross between some adman’s neo-apocalyptic version of the North Pole and the 7th gate of hell. So its not just the morally bankrupt  “Christian” west that does it, India is capable of turning a religious festival into a “Marketing Opportunity” just as well as we can. In fact in many ways they do it better, more bling, more artificial snow, bigger reindeer, massive Santa’s and very little Jesus to spoil the excess. After all Santa is here on the 20th of November, Jesus doesn’t turn up in his crib until the 25th….

The Washing Machine (Part II)

As you know from the last blog we have bought a washing machine, it was fitted without loss of life, so all was good and we thought that was the end of the matter. I know some of you ae concerned that we have made the laundry service redundant and what will they do now, there are two answers to this question the first and most obvious being everyone else’s laundry, we weren’t the only customers. Secondly India has another scheme to take up the slack. Two to three days after our washing machine was installed we received a call from Christopher that the LG engineer needed to see us at the house. 

Assuming the worst, major flood while we were on the beach, electrocuted small child due to faulty installation, a no foreigners allowed to own a washing machine clause on the visa we had missed we returned to find two washing machine engineers on the doorstep, neither of whom could speak any English. Fortunately as you are aware I am fluent in communication by means of dance and it became apparent their - note plural, job was to show us how to use a washing machine (… and swoop, left together, right together, jazz hands). It was very interesting  as it became obvious that the nearest these two lads have ever been to running a washing machine was drinking tea in the teashop two doors up from the laundry.

India, I love it.

Have a good weekend
‘Till next time
Cheery pip
K&S


Monday 10 November 2014

The “big shop,” A washing machine, three pyramid teabags and a roll of dental floss


The last week has been one of playing house, obtaining all the bits and bobs we need to live for the next 5 months.  After all we can’t eat out every night, which would sort of defeat the point of living out here.

Obviously there are things we have bought with us, essentials which can’t be bought here in India e.g. good coffee, Gillette Fusion razor blades, Heinz tomato sauce, etc. all the important expat things which life would be so much the poorer for having to go without. Everything else requires a trip to Trivandrum to one of the big supermarkets/department stores. There are three main supermarkets in town, Pothys (John Lewis/Waitrose), The Big Bazaar (ASDA/Debenhams/Lidl hybrid) and Spencer’s (confusingly more like Sainsburies than M&S) and we tend to use either Pothys or the Big Bazaar as they have a department store thing going on so you can just do the one stop shop thing, vital when doing “the big shop”. Yes I know, I can hear you from hear “…but what about the wonderful markets, haggling over the price of organically grown local produce, the local colour!!! Surely the supermarkets are a westernised cop out!!!”

Too bloody right they are, they are also air conditioned, relatively dust and grime free, and have all the aisle signs up in English so you don’t spend hours mowing up and down the same row looking for a bag of sugar in the insecticide section.

There is a time and place for local colour, and “The Big Shop” isn’t it. It’s a commando operation, list, plan, in, out, not a recreational activity, so with Ravi piloting the tuk-tuk off we went. Knowing from all great military actions an army marches on its stomach and the maxim of never shop hungry, the first stop was breakfast at a restaurant, masala dosas and chai all around then onward to Pothys. It was a two trolley shop, plastic containers by the dozen (not very eco but I prefer my food sans ants) , mops, cleaning equipment and potions (next to the aisle of Gillette Products), basic spices (found next to the Heinz Tomato Sauce), dhal, chapatti flour (by the fresh coffee bean grinding section). It took about 3 hours and by the end we were both tired but headed home with a feeling of accomplishment, a job well done.

Once home we unpacked which took almost as long as the shopping trip. At which point we realised that the shopping on full stomachs has its downside, we had full cupboards but nothing for dinner so we went out to eat.

The Washing Machine

Last winter we sent all our laundry to a little man who lived down the lane, for £5 he would pick it up, wash it, iron it and return it all within two days. Occasionally there would be burrs in my underpants from them being dried on the bushes but in the main it was a great service. However, this year it has gone up to £9, which prompted some swift maths, cost of laundry £9 x 20 = £180 verses cost of washing machine @ £150.

So we decided to buy a cheap(ish) washing machine. Ravi picked us up as usual, obviously we needed to stop for breakfast (cost £5) as the “never shop on an empty stomach” maxim had worked so well previously and then on to the Big Bazaar. We found a rather nice looking LG Automatic top-loader for £159 but with some careful haggling, sucking of teeth and judicious hurmphing managed to beat the salesman down to £149 with discount. Obviously we also needed an iron which was another £6, powder £4, conditioner £3, oh and a tap £2 to plumb the washer in as none of the taps in the house fitted the fill pipe adaptor.

The machine was delivered the same day and after much swearing was connected up and running (obviously ignoring the initial abortive load which resulted in the washer emptying onto the floor as the pipe wasn’t pushed far enough into the waste trap) in a couple of hours. So… total cost inc. Taxi to Trivandrum. £149 + £5 + £6 + £4 + £3 + £2 + £10 = £170 a grand saving of £10 (ignoring electricity and water and assuming we don’t need any more powder, obviously from next year we will be quids in!! as long as it is still here, working and survives the monsoon.)

A Bargain!!!!

Three tea bags and a roll of dental floss

At what point did three pyramid tea bags and a roll of dental floss become a swimming costume? Having had my briefs on occasion ride up into the crack of my bum and found it at least disconcerting I’m sure it can’t be comfortable and yet there appear to be more 18 to 25 year old women on the beach this year who feel a bit of dental floss is a costume. From their faces I know they are in discomfort as none of them look particularly happy and to relieve the situation they seem to need to wander along the edge of the beach wiggling their buttocks, presumably in an attempt to re-jig the bit of string. 

Maybe its because most of them are on holiday with their dads and grand fathers (funny none of their moms are around) and they would rather be off with their mates than sitting on a beach with an old bloke with a bit of cotton wedged up their admittedly tanned and pert bums.

The prettiest costume I have seen this year was a short floral swim skirt and bikini top, playful, sexy and on the right body stunning and the Russian bloke who was wearing it looked fantastic.

Ho hum, time for breakfast

Cheery pip


Kevin

Saturday 1 November 2014

Returning To Kovalam, Renting a House Again, Expectation Management,

Returning to India


 Hello folks, its 5:30 a.m. on Saturday 1st November and chucking it down, thunder, lightning, the works . Its been just over 6 months since we left India and the last blog ended. I decided to give it (and you) a break over the summer, mind you it’s not been uneventful, I might let you in on what happened later, when I’m at a loose end.
Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, when I left off we had just bought tickets to go back to India and six months on, here we are back in Kovalam. In fact we have been here for just under three weeks.
 We decided after last year’s trauma of having arranged a house, getting off the plane to discover we hadn’t got a house, moving into a hotel until the house was sorted, thinking we had a house again, being told we had to wait for papers, discovering there was no guarantee that the papers would ever be issued, having to change hotels,  playing location, location, location , finding another apartment, moving in etc. we would abandon any idea of having things pre-arranged for our return, i.e. to start from scratch on arrival and  skip straight to the house hunting phase.
 A word of warning, if you are coming for 3 weeks or less I would advise you do NOT attempt this strategy it takes too long and definitely don’t attempt it if you are arriving in high season. Why? Because once the Russians have landed mid-November onwards all the best houses and apartments will have gone until the end of February. Don’t get me wrong there will be places to stay, but the choice and availability here in Kovalam will be “restricted”. At this point you will also find India understands supply and demand very nicely thank you  and may discover it would have been cheaper to stay in a 5* suite.
So, how did it go?
The Outcome
Success!!!! We are now in our house for the winter, it’s a new build three bed villa/bungalow, each bedroom has its own fully tiled en-suite wetroom (though one hand basin drains straight onto your feet as it hasn’t been connected to the waste pipe), it has a brand new (recycled)  fully fitted kitchen , a  large lounge diner, marble floors throughout, great roof space for yoga/sunbathing/laundry and a traditional Keralain veranda with a fan to sit out in the evening . The house is on the edge of the lighthouse beach area in  farm land/semi jungle (it’s not really jungle more banana, papaya, coconut plantation, it just feels and sounds jungly)  It’s a twenty minute walk to the beach so just far enough to pretend that you have walked off that extra naan bread or bottle of Kingfisher. It is as good as it sounds and bigger than our home in the UK.
The Process
How can I put it, with the help of Christopher, our friend from previous trips, no one died, it was less traumatic than last year, no animals or children were hurt in the process (though once moved in I did come close to strangling a small boy and his friends who thought playing commando creeping round the back of the building to peer in a t the window and stare at my white arse as I emerged from the shower was great fun. So much more entertaining than local non-cable TV (to be fair they did have a point here, less adverts).
So what am I complaining about? After 8 years of coming to Kovalam you’d think I was used to things by now but there are two traits of Indian culture which when mixed with any business transaction drive me nuts. The first is an overwhelming and delightful desire to please, anything and everything are possible and your request no matter how unreasonable is likely to be met with a smile and a positive response. The second trait is the inability to understand the concept of time, in short “when” in relation to specific time has no meaning. For example when Sarah asked how long before the bungalow would be clean and papers sorted so we could move in these two factors clashed massively. On one hand Gopi, the landlord, wanted to please on the other under his concept of time and he did not think Sarah was actually asking for a date. His response of  “It will be 10 days. No! 7 days and you can move in!!! All will be ready!!! And we will have installed mosquito nets on all windows, fully cleaned the house, varnished and polished all the furniture and moved the 25kg of chilli which is drying in the kitchen. No problem. 7 days!!!.” All accompanied by much smiling and wobbling of the head. (I should have known by now, see previous blogs on the meaning of a wobbling head). Sarah may as well have asked will you be wearing purple socks as “when?”.
From day 6 Sarah began to get twitchy (incidentally day 5 was Diwali so nothing was going to happen during days 3 to 8). Day 10 came and went. Christopher had taken to hiding from us as the process dragged on and on in the end he took two days leave and sorted things out.
In fact we moved in on day 13, which was in truth amazing, imagine seeing a house you want to rent for five months on the 19th of December, a house in which all the furniture needed varnishing, all windows needed mossie screens fitted, a major post build clean and then getting it signed off as suitable for habitation by the council over the Christmas period and being able to move in on the 29th, oh and 25kg of dried chilli moved to boot.
So we are here, its lovely and definitely the best house we have rented so far. I’m really looking forward to this winter.
Cheery Pip

Kev