We have finally got broadband and cable TV, in the apartment it was ordered on Saturday and i was promised faithfully that it would be in by Monday night. You'd think i'd know by now that time is variable here in fact it took 4 days. Here's how it went,
Saturday - signed papers, a very nice man from Asianet called Praveen came to explain the various packages, bandwidth, speed, allowances, cost, etc. His english was slightly better than my mayalam, I can say thank you, he could say hello and goodbye. Fortunately he had a leaflet where all the tech stuff was in English the rest in Malayam (except for the small print which was also in English - funny that, you'd think they don't want the local population to read that bit - surely not).
We got on like a house on fire, i showed him my laptop, chromebook, kindles, nexus, phones and iPod Touch and confirmed through the medium of indian contemporary dance they all would be able to log in to the wifi. I knew those hours spent watching Bollywood movies would finally pay off.
By means of a particularly enchanting series of hand gestures, head movements and nifty foot work I agreed to an unlimited 30 gb deal with the fastest speed they do (2 mbps) fast enough to stream Test Match Special ready for the Ashes.
I handed over the 3000 Rupees (£30), 1500 Rs for installation and the same for the first months line rental he in turn gave me his phone number in case of any problems. He assured me it would definitely be in by Monday.
Sunday - as expected, nothing happened, it just rained a lot.
Monday - Phone call to check when to expect the engineer, I was told after 2pm. so we went to the beach and returned for 1:30pm to be sure we wouldn't miss him. By 5 p.m. no one had arrived and a call confirmed they had had a problem at the exchange with the fibres and it would be after 10 a.m. in the morning.
Tuesday - by noon no one had arrived so I rang Praveen, they were coming after 2 pm - all was OK. At 4 p.m. Chris phoned to see if we had cable yet, I told him not as yet but Praveen had promised. Chris rang him and within 30 mins the cable guys arrived in the rain. Apparently my phone call and double pirouette hadn't done the trick earlier. We were then treated to a daring high wire act as the engineer balanced on the top of an aluminium ladder wedged into the back of his truck and connected a new cable to the splinter box which was hung 4 feet below the HT national grid power lines. Sarah wanted to take his photo but decided getting him to wave his soaking wet screwdriver over his head inches from certain death was probably not a good idea as it might delay the installation.
The engineer then informed us the modem/outer would be with us by 5:30 as it needed to come from Trivandrum so we sat down to wait for the next phase. By 8 p.m. we gave up.
Wednesday - I woke in serious pain, and i do mean serious, not only was I in pain but how was I going to communicate with Praveen, no way could I do that spin, tap, spin move required to tell him we still hadn't got our modem. It felt like someone had taken a machete and cut me in half from the bottom of my dangly bits to the middle of my back. This was worrying, much worse than Mysore Arse, I didn't know if I should or could stand, sit or lye down. It was 5:30 a.m. and no one to talk to for advice (OK i could have phoned home or AmEx but I wasn't thinking straight and I didn't want to let Sarah know just how much pain I was in) So i took two imodium, two paracetamol, two nurophen and drank a litre of water and curled up on the bed waiting to die. By 8:30 i was at my wits end went to the loo for a pee and PING!!! A small grape pip sized black object appeared in the loo. The pain instantaneously went, I had passed a small kidney stone. Ohhh joy!!! The relief was unbelievable, now there was absolutely no pain, it was as if someone had thrown the off switch in pain central it really was that fast most importantly I COULD DANCE AGAIN!!!!
This isn't the first time i've passed a kidney stone, but the first one for over 10 years, I'd completely forgotten about the fact that if i get modrately dehydrated for a long period of time and live on lots of oxalate containing fruit and veg I'm prone to the damn things. Oh well if I needed an excuse to drink more here it was, sitting in the loo pan looking back at me.
I downed another liter of water and was back on the phone to Praveen, Anton Du Beck had nothing on me as i indicated my displeasure at having to stay in for yet another day waiting for the modem to arrive. I was told it would be here by 2 p.m. (dip, swoop, jazz-hands). By 3 p.m. I discovered Asianet had a Facebok page - I posted my dissatisfaction on their FB page with my phone, there for all the world to see, that would show them I wasn't to be messed with. 30 mins later there was a phone call to say the engineer would be with us in 30 mins, and he was and 15 mins later we had broadband, no TV as that needed another box from Trivandrum but now we had established I was a man prepared to use the world wide web to get what I wanted I knew they would deliver. I was dead chuffed, until 10 mins later Chris rang to say he had called them and threatened to cancel the contract if they didn't get their arses in gear, he had evoked a higher deity than the of of dance. He had explained to Asianet that I wanted to watch Sachin Tendulkar play in his final test and if they couldn't get things sorted before he went into bat at 11 a.m. on Thursday they could shove their modem and cable box up their collective arses. Now they understood the true urgency of the situation and my need for speed was fully understood. The sudden change had nothing to do with my withering wit on the internet but a fear of losing the contract and the reverence that is commanded by the little master, ST.
Thursday - gave key to Mumtaz, the lady who owns the apartment and lives downstairs and went to the beach. On our return cable TV and broadband were both up and running and Mr T was 38 not out at the close of play. All was right with the world.
Today is Friday, breakfast, beach and hopefully watch one of the world's greatest batsmen get 100 in his final Test appearance.
p.s. I have now realized that though my interpretive dance moves were impressive they were of little use when conversing by phone.
Saturday - signed papers, a very nice man from Asianet called Praveen came to explain the various packages, bandwidth, speed, allowances, cost, etc. His english was slightly better than my mayalam, I can say thank you, he could say hello and goodbye. Fortunately he had a leaflet where all the tech stuff was in English the rest in Malayam (except for the small print which was also in English - funny that, you'd think they don't want the local population to read that bit - surely not).
We got on like a house on fire, i showed him my laptop, chromebook, kindles, nexus, phones and iPod Touch and confirmed through the medium of indian contemporary dance they all would be able to log in to the wifi. I knew those hours spent watching Bollywood movies would finally pay off.
By means of a particularly enchanting series of hand gestures, head movements and nifty foot work I agreed to an unlimited 30 gb deal with the fastest speed they do (2 mbps) fast enough to stream Test Match Special ready for the Ashes.
I handed over the 3000 Rupees (£30), 1500 Rs for installation and the same for the first months line rental he in turn gave me his phone number in case of any problems. He assured me it would definitely be in by Monday.
Sunday - as expected, nothing happened, it just rained a lot.
Monday - Phone call to check when to expect the engineer, I was told after 2pm. so we went to the beach and returned for 1:30pm to be sure we wouldn't miss him. By 5 p.m. no one had arrived and a call confirmed they had had a problem at the exchange with the fibres and it would be after 10 a.m. in the morning.
Tuesday - by noon no one had arrived so I rang Praveen, they were coming after 2 pm - all was OK. At 4 p.m. Chris phoned to see if we had cable yet, I told him not as yet but Praveen had promised. Chris rang him and within 30 mins the cable guys arrived in the rain. Apparently my phone call and double pirouette hadn't done the trick earlier. We were then treated to a daring high wire act as the engineer balanced on the top of an aluminium ladder wedged into the back of his truck and connected a new cable to the splinter box which was hung 4 feet below the HT national grid power lines. Sarah wanted to take his photo but decided getting him to wave his soaking wet screwdriver over his head inches from certain death was probably not a good idea as it might delay the installation.
The engineer then informed us the modem/outer would be with us by 5:30 as it needed to come from Trivandrum so we sat down to wait for the next phase. By 8 p.m. we gave up.
Wednesday - I woke in serious pain, and i do mean serious, not only was I in pain but how was I going to communicate with Praveen, no way could I do that spin, tap, spin move required to tell him we still hadn't got our modem. It felt like someone had taken a machete and cut me in half from the bottom of my dangly bits to the middle of my back. This was worrying, much worse than Mysore Arse, I didn't know if I should or could stand, sit or lye down. It was 5:30 a.m. and no one to talk to for advice (OK i could have phoned home or AmEx but I wasn't thinking straight and I didn't want to let Sarah know just how much pain I was in) So i took two imodium, two paracetamol, two nurophen and drank a litre of water and curled up on the bed waiting to die. By 8:30 i was at my wits end went to the loo for a pee and PING!!! A small grape pip sized black object appeared in the loo. The pain instantaneously went, I had passed a small kidney stone. Ohhh joy!!! The relief was unbelievable, now there was absolutely no pain, it was as if someone had thrown the off switch in pain central it really was that fast most importantly I COULD DANCE AGAIN!!!!
This isn't the first time i've passed a kidney stone, but the first one for over 10 years, I'd completely forgotten about the fact that if i get modrately dehydrated for a long period of time and live on lots of oxalate containing fruit and veg I'm prone to the damn things. Oh well if I needed an excuse to drink more here it was, sitting in the loo pan looking back at me.
I downed another liter of water and was back on the phone to Praveen, Anton Du Beck had nothing on me as i indicated my displeasure at having to stay in for yet another day waiting for the modem to arrive. I was told it would be here by 2 p.m. (dip, swoop, jazz-hands). By 3 p.m. I discovered Asianet had a Facebok page - I posted my dissatisfaction on their FB page with my phone, there for all the world to see, that would show them I wasn't to be messed with. 30 mins later there was a phone call to say the engineer would be with us in 30 mins, and he was and 15 mins later we had broadband, no TV as that needed another box from Trivandrum but now we had established I was a man prepared to use the world wide web to get what I wanted I knew they would deliver. I was dead chuffed, until 10 mins later Chris rang to say he had called them and threatened to cancel the contract if they didn't get their arses in gear, he had evoked a higher deity than the of of dance. He had explained to Asianet that I wanted to watch Sachin Tendulkar play in his final test and if they couldn't get things sorted before he went into bat at 11 a.m. on Thursday they could shove their modem and cable box up their collective arses. Now they understood the true urgency of the situation and my need for speed was fully understood. The sudden change had nothing to do with my withering wit on the internet but a fear of losing the contract and the reverence that is commanded by the little master, ST.
Thursday - gave key to Mumtaz, the lady who owns the apartment and lives downstairs and went to the beach. On our return cable TV and broadband were both up and running and Mr T was 38 not out at the close of play. All was right with the world.
Today is Friday, breakfast, beach and hopefully watch one of the world's greatest batsmen get 100 in his final Test appearance.
p.s. I have now realized that though my interpretive dance moves were impressive they were of little use when conversing by phone.
You pass a kidney stone today, I performance manage a GP today. One of us feels the other's pain...
ReplyDeleteAhhh but mine only lasted 3 hours, yours could last years. Give me a kidney stone everytime,
ReplyDelete