Saturday 12 October 2013

And we're off!!

Exeter to Reading 


Sunday 04:05 (BST) - Reading


Its 4:00 a.m. or 8:30 a.m  India time and i'm wide awake, the switching to India time before we fly seems to have worked. Sarah who is still on UK time is trying to sleep but not having much luck, not to sure why, the bed was ok. She has just mumbled something sounded like "cupid hat" and "f***ing browsing the web at 4 in the morning". Her eyes are shut so i expect she is dreaming or  having a nightmare.

The journey from Okehampton by train was ok, and hopefully the most uncomfortable part of the trip. There was less leg room than on a Ryan Air Airbus Cram-em-in 320. As they say we "Let train take the strain" rather than driving, what they don't tell you is if you're 6ft 3 you get the back and neck ache instead, but we got here in roughly one piece which was good.

We had decided to make the most of our joint 138 kg baggage allowance,  after all we are going to be in India for 5 months. So the 6 cases (plus two carry on bags another 30 kgs) were packed with such essentials as 4 kgs of coffee, two full size memory foam pillows, and a wall safe with 4 tubes each of epoxy resin and hardener to stick it down on arrival. The safe actually weighed less than the coffee.

So how heavy is 168 kgs? Its the same as two grown men plus a small child. We had to abandon the idea of Tom taking us to the railway station as we couldn't fit it and us in his Audi A3 but fortunately a neighbor offered to take us and we managed to cram all the bags and us into or his Discovery (just).

All was good at Exeter St David's, Sarah managed to bag a trolley to get us from the car to platform 3 and then to platform 5 as Sarah had misread the board, "What a silly sausage!!" I happily joshed, so what if we had to run? "dearie me!!" I said, or some such words,  How i laughed as i pushed the equivalent of 2 dead bodies at break neck speed back into the lift to get to the other side of the station, scattering other passengers who skipped joyously out of my way as we made our dash to get there before the train disappeared. (Look, its my blog and I'll tell it how i want to OK? There was no blood, or broken bones and we got on the train by wedging the door open and throwing the cases into the train).

Once we were finally on board Sarah sat in her seat grinning, "That was fun, and you know what? I did exactly the same thing last time I was going to London" I thought it best not to comment, actually I couldn't as I was still trying to get my breath back.  Probably for the best

Reading is in the process of urban renewal and actually looks quite nice .now i.e it looks clean and the same as every other Shopping Mall. As part of this the station is getting a make over, it will be nice when its finished but that did cause us another problem as we hurled our two dead body weight cases onto the platform. There were no trolleys. So we carried them, all of them up and across the tracks to the main entrance. Half way we took a break, right next to two railway workers who were having a chat, one about 25 the other nearer 50. Both looked at us, and could see we where struggling the younger chap walked towards and then past us through a door marked private - staff only. On on the back of his Hi-Vis jacket were two words Customer Service. I was just about to knock on the door and shake him warmly by the throat when the older chap came over, picked up two of our cases and asked where we were trying to get to, he carried them all the way to the taxi and disappeared before we could even think about tipping him.

Ok so its now 5:00 Sarah has resorted to putting on her noise cancelling earphones, must be the air-con keeping her awake. Anyway, back to typing.

Our overnight Hotel is fine, clean, modern nothing to comment on here really. We decided to pop out for something to eat and after a couple of hiccups (Waggamoma's was queuing out the door, the latin american place was too load and busy) we went to All-Bar-One. I had a really good burger and chips (unless we go up to Bangalore and go to the Hard Rock Cafe burger is off the menu for 5 months, even McDonald's is cow free in India) Sarah had Tapas i.e bits of stuff, chicken, halumi, prawns. It was good, we stopped off for coffee and hot chocolate at Cafe Nero on the way back and I was fast asleep before Strictly was over.

Time for another coffee, maybe I should wake Sarah and ask if she wants a cup of tea, its 5:30. Nope I'll let her sleep on, for some reason she appears to have had a restless night.

Kev

7 hours and counting, renting a house in India, Saying goodbye to friends

4:50 A.M  Dartmoor 







Good Morning to you blog reader, its a bit early, I've been up since 3:30, I had to phone India to arrange the pick-up from the airport on Monday morning. Sometimes, even now it amazes me how easy it is to call someone on their mobile in India from here right on the edge of Dartmoor. Billions of pounds worth of technology, satellites, fiber optic cables instantaneously sending lots of ones and zeros at near the speed of light just to book a car for a 30 minute ride. It usually takes longer to get through to Oke Taxis to pick us up from the pub.

Before my birthday ramblings I had left our story with me on the beach last April listening to the Clash.
As I've got some time to kill before out neighbor takes us to catch the train I thought I'd try to bring things back up to date. i.e. the last 5 months in a single blog. Brace yourself... its going to be quick. A sort of readers digest version. It can be done e.g Hamlet in  14  words. Danish Prince deals with his uncle killing his dad and shacking up with his mom. (For full story with songs watch the Lion King). So here we go...



Kovalam Beach April 2013





I was now retired but Sarah was officially on holiday, as I've said we had both had enough and decided we were getting out to start a new life. However when that would happen depended on my redundancy /retirement going through, not if, just when we made the change was in question. She couldn't give her notice until we had confirmation and that didn't happen until we were on the M25, 2 hours before we got on the plane. Obviously, many people thought they knew what we were thinking but we couldn't confirm it until the cash hit the bank. We decided the moment we got home she would email her boss and hand in her notice. It wouldn't be easy living on just my pension, in real terms it was a 60% reduction in income but we had done our sums and it was doable.

Cutting our cloth


Firstly we added up the amount we spent getting to work. In our case 2 x 3.5 liter petrol V6 cars doing 300 miles per week each (OK i know this was a stupid waste of money but we loved them and at the time could just about afford to do it - lets just say they were our mid-life crisis indulgence), add in tax insurance etc. Then add all monthly credit card debt, inc the car loans.  The kids were working, coming up to the last year at uni and due to start work in September and mid uni with 2 years to go respectively. There were other bits and bobs but by my calculations and once all the recurrent costs were removed i was actually working for £100 p.c.m (less than 1 random wander round Waitrose or 1/3 the cost of keeping me in cigarettes). Total and utter madness, both the waste and the still smoking at 51.

There were some things we would need to do to make life livable but mostly they were things we had talked about for years. 1) get the house fully insulated - we were literally as well as metaphorically burning money. e.g Replace the large single glazed windows with tripples as they currently bled heat out onto the moor. 2) swap the cars for a nearly new sensible hatch back, balance paid off from lump sum (Decided to share a Datsun Kumquat and have two bikes). 3) Sell the children on Ebay - we had to abandon this one as they didn't reach their reserve price.

The best bit was discovering we could still keep our house on the edge of the moor and move to India for the winter. You don't believe me? OK it breaks down like this, cost of LPG during the winter months £250 for 4 cylinders x 5 months = £1250, cost of renting a 2 bed villa in Kovalam £240 pcm. And then there's food, e.g. cost of a lunch in the uk, 1 Sandwich, a drink, bag of crisps £3 (meal deal), cost of a fish thali (Rice, veg/lentil curry, piece of fish, pickles) 80 p. Bottle of beer Kingfisher UK supermarket price £2, in Kerala 80p Of course you need to get there first but take out the cost of random breaks and holidays, time needed to recover from the time spent working. (last year >£3,000) and the flight cost disappears.

In fact living the dream and having time for us should be cheaper than working. I hate management speak with a vengeance but this really was a no-brainer.

Loosing friends

Fern, Hector & Maddie with Montie and Archie, it had been a busy day


I'm not talking about you lot here, we can skype, phone email blog to our hearts content this was much worse, we would need to re-home the dogs, Fern & Hector. No way could we afford to kennel them through the winter and it would have been no life for them. At one point half the village were trying to find them a home, they had to stay together and be in a forever home where they could still be country dogs. In the end Labrador Rescue came to our aid and found them a loving home in Dorset. We have seen photos of them there, taken a day after arriving. Hector on the sofa fast asleep with his head on his new owners lap, Fern curled up in a new sheepskin bed. (disloyal gits!!!). Seriously, i'm glad they can continue to bring love and fun to a new family. They can be looked after in their new forever home as they looked after me when I was ill. The day they left was one of the hardest days I've ever had. Even now, a month on, writing this bit has me in tears.

Renting a home


By the end of the first week in Kovalam an opportunity came up to trial our dream before we made the final decision. We had told Chris one of our Indian friends we were thinking about renting a house for the winter and as usual Chris came up trumps. we were going for lunch at his place, it was his youngest daughter's birthday and we had an old laptop which was no longer fast or big enough to hold our lives on. Photos, music, films etc so we had decided to give it to Chris to give to her. In typical Chris style he insisted it should come from us and we should pop over to give it to her. That morning he had arranged for Ravi our tuk-tuk driver to pick us up to take us there. We had a few sweets and chocolates for Jodie and Grishma, Chris's wife and elder daughter and were sitting ready to go. We piled into the tuk-tuk and headed off up the hill. Ravi then took a sharp right and parked up, Chris had arranged with him to take us to an apartment to look at with a view to renting it that winter. It was fine, compact but fully air-conditioned, 3 mins from the beach and they wanted £280 pcm for it, it would do nicely but Chris hadn't finished. we jumped back into Ravi's little tuk-tuk and off we went again.

This time we went a little further back, we had no idea where we were, as it turned out we were just an 800 meter walk from the beach but no longer in foreign tourist land. This was where the middle class folk from Mumbai and Delhi had their second homes. It was on a small back road, tarmacked but one lane, surrounded by coconut trees and banana plants, there was a small brightly painted kindergarten across the road. The house was a green walled villa, two stories high and very Keralan with its pitched terracotta roof. The lower floor was a self contained flat, obviously at some point it had been the servant's quarters, the upper floor apartment was reached by a wide staircase up to a large covered balcony veranda about three times the size of our lounge at home. In the corner a wicker hanging basket chair swayed in the gentle breeze to complete the picture a 1 meter crystal chandelier hung over the front door.

Chris opened the door, inside opened up to an "L" shaped double aspect lounge with views out over the road and off up the hill. the place wasn't air conditioned but a ceramic tiled floor, double and at some points triple height ceiling, with two massive fans made the place feel cool and airy even though this was mid day. to the left behind a curtain covered arch was a 5 x 3 meter dining room with a large family dining table and chairs and off that a large kitchen with fridge, gas burners sink and granite worktops. All the walls except the one with the window which looked out over the outside staircase up to the roof, were hung with large dark wood cupboards. Just off the kitchen there was a utility/drying room with a washing machine. We walked back into the lounge and from there into the two bedrooms both large with plenty of cupboard space and en-suite loos and showers.

This was cruel, it felt like Jim Bowen had popped up and done his "this is what you could have won!!!" routine. The owner had arrived, apparently Chris's uncle, i'm not sure if this was an actual blood relative or not. I may need to explain here, uncle is a variable term in india, as is auntie, its a sign of respect and is used all the time. In India I have more aunties, uncles, brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces than i do here. He had come to give us the once over and through Chris explained how the place had only just become vacant as a Latvian lady had rented it for the previous 8 weeks. She had been difficult and on leaving had taken all the linen with her. It had cost her, 90,000 rupees for the two months about £450 pcm at today's exchange rate, about £500 at the time.

I knew it, we couldn't afford this one... Chris saw my face fall, he grinned and turned to his Uncle.
"Of course Uncle, you didn't get that much did you not with booking and agents fees and cleaning ?"
Uncle wobbled his head... we were about to play the game
"And Uncle these people are my friends and want to rent for 5 months not 8 weeks, And... they won't be steeling your sheets"
Again the head wobbled.

There is no such thing as a fixed price in India, except in some department stores but even then i'm not so sure.



The Game.

Indians love to negotiate and Chris is a master of the haggle. Respect, disbelief, smiles, frowns, anger, humor all play a part in this game. The first thing i learnt is its not about winning or losing, its about reaching a price both parties can feel they are happy with. Chris may have started the game but I had to play this time, this was his uncle and it wasn't fair to ask Chris to go head to head. I knew he would step in if i was going to get fleeced but it was up to me. I came in at 18,000 rupees pcm  pointing out there was no air-con, he came back at 30,000 saying he was going to put it in this year anyway, i went up to 20,000 saying i didn't need air-con and pointed out that the area was prone to drought and the well might dry-up, He said he was going to dig a new well anyway and moved to 25,000. I said I'd let him know in a day or so.

We went on to see an even bigger house, again just a little further back, 4 bedrooms this time and in need of a good clean but massive - £160 pcm. The decider was the fact it would have been a tuk-tuk ride to the beach, Ravi was keen on this one for some reason, maybe next year.

We then went on to Chris's for Anna's Birthday lunch and Jodie's wonderful home-cooked Keralan food.

Despite the higher price we had fallen in love with our little green house and gave Chris the news, so he rang his Uncle and said we were interested. We now had a house for the winter, and better yet as it was empty we got to "try before we bought" and moved in the next day staying there for the rest of the holiday. We met Uncle, shook on it and signed the agreement on the last day of our trip.

The five months between then and now have been a whirlwind of emotions and things to do, Sarah handing in her notice, seeing relatives and friends, saying goodbye to the dogs, beginning to move at a different pace.

So in short.

Sold cars, gave up-job, re-homed dogs, packed, moved to India for the winter. (14 words) As yet no Disney movie alternative.

7: 30 BST - Noon in India - Time for coffee and see you in Kovalam.

Not for us, not this year anyway....


Kevin




Friday 11 October 2013

36 Hours and Counting - Pooh as an author, Installing a Heating Control Panel.



This may well be my last post before we are back in India only one more get up before we start the two day trek out to Kovalam. I know some of you will actually be popping out to see us while we are there but for the rest of you I hope to bring some of the fun using my blog. Oh don't panic you won't be inundated with my drivel quite so much as recently I wanted you to get a feel for my inane ramblings before we went and let you know how we managed to be such lucky bastards. Its called setting the scene, I learnt how to do it by watching hours and hours of TV mini-series, and reading Winnie the Pooh. Did you know Winnie has published lots of self help and educational books? I have quite a few of them, Pooh and the Philosophers  was my first, it was a gift from a friend while i was at Kings Fund.

Then i found out he also co-wrote with piglet The Tao of Pooh & the Te of Pigglet, which believe it or not is in fact Amazon's #1 Best selling book on Taoism. Seriously, look for yourself if you don't believe me. I couldn't make this up if I tried could I, Ok so yes I could but in this case I didn't. here is a bit of the best, most helpful review on Amazon..


19 of 19 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars For anyone that thinks they think!
Taoism (pronounced Daoism) is an easy concept to grasp, but like all ways of thought can be a bit dry to swallow. The Tao of Pooh and the Te of Piglet provides a much more palatable form to digest this ancient Chinese philosophy.....

The review carries on in much the same vein.

For all you mental health workers, mentalists, friends of mentalists i.e for everyone there is another book in the series you might enjoy.



Hmm side tracked again, wandering around with Pooh in my head has its down side, back in a mo, need more coffee, toast and Hunny.

Back. Sarah has just pointedly put the central heating timer manual in my hand as I need to reset it so it just so the heating keeps the house from freezing while we are away, no more, no less. I fitted the timer 5 years ago when we re-did the kitchen the old one worked fine but just had a time to come on and go off in the morning and evening. I knew we could save money by having more control over how we heated the house so i got a new one. In know a bit about electronics so it would be a ten minute job. It was from B&Q and top of the range at the time, obviously its not WiFi enabled (note to self on return - Search ebay for Bluetooth 4g WiFi central heating timer, pref in barbie pink and limited edition) but it did the job. Obviously i read the quick start guide, looked at the Youtube video and downloaded the full user guide .pdf file. (I was in luck there were no software updates to download in those days.). Here is the process if you want to try it for yourself. The timescales are as it actually happened.

Installing the SuperDooper 500n Heating Control Panel


Stage 1 Switch off the heating and turn off the Mains Power (tick, 2 mins)
Stage 2 Insert rechargeable back up batteries (tick, 4 mins, the cover was tricky and I broke off one of the tabs but it super glued ok))
Stage 3 Connect  the mains feed, slave solenoid to the incoming thermo-sensor ensuring the polarities and voltages are correctly set on the master unit and slave satellite unit(s) Important - failure to adhere to this protocol may result in system failure and serious injury or death. (tick, 2 days)
Stage 4 Return to B&Q to buy another timer (tick 0.12 seconds after the first time the timer turned on there was a blue flash and a lot of smoke. Drive to B&Q, mooching around the lighting department to get another one and consider upgrading time, 4 hours)
Stage 5 Call local heating engineer to book installation (tick, 30 mins phone call plus 5 working days)
Stage 6 Timer installation by engineer(tick 45 mins)

All I had to do now was program the thing and we would easily recoup the £327 plus VAT  it had cost. I consulted the new .pdf User guide (I'd decided to upgrade so i'd had to download a new one). It started well.

Congratulations on Purchasing the SuperDooper 500n/j/i Heating Control Unit !!!!

WARNING THIS UNIT MUST BE INSTALLED BY A QUALIFIED ELECTRICIAN

I must have skipped that bit last time, i never read the first few pages they are just full of stuff for people who don't know how to work consumer electronics or how to throw them away. I've never understood the need for that bit, surely any fool can operate a wheelie bin but there is usually a little picture of one with a big cross through it which i suppose is there to remind people to mind their fingers when they chuck the item away.

The mind your fingers and put it in a bin bag icon?

I flicked straight to the back and onto the good stuff, the index, I knew what i wanted to do so no need to read the rest of the book. Here's the list...

Programming the Timer to match Heating Requirements, Setting the Clock, GMT/Auto-daylight saving, Basic Programs - hourly, daily, Mon-Fri, Weekend, Holiday Mode, Frost Guard, Multi-zone settings, Setting your timer to heat the water - start time, end time, auto temperature mode, day/night settings, duel fuel top up, Default, Display settings Advanced Settings, Engineers Settings, System reset.

Obviously I did what most men would do at this point, I set the clock and went straight into Advanced Engineers settings. Two hours later, i rang the Product Helpline (98p per min), explaining i thought the timer i'd bought had obviously been returned by some fool who couldn't cope and he'd buggered the unit up.

Having pressed the up and down keys simultaneously for 10 seconds as suggested by the nice gentleman, Michael he said his name was, from the Helpline which was in Bangalore (We had had a lovely chat as Sarah was out and I had been there last year, I told him RCB was my team, he was a Mumbai Indians fan. We got on like a house on fire, I disagreed about his fantasy T20 XI though and had to go and find my copy of Wisden before he acknowledged though a great batsman Sachin was happier in the full version of the game. He kindly held on while I looked for it as there was no guarantee I'd be put through to him if when called back and I didn't want to have to explain the merits of Kevin Petterson to someone new, that would have been silly). i selected the default program and we were in business. It worked brilliantly, OK we had been without hot water or heat for 10 days during which time Sarah wasn't speaking to me much and had decided to visit the grandchildren in London. But it worked!!!

It comes on twice a day, first thing in the morning and in the evening. We have to hit the boost button around two-ish as it gets a bit chilly in the afternoon and leave the windows open at night as it can get stuffy and there's never quite enough hot water for us both to have a bath but with its little blue back lit lcd panel it looked so cool and matched the one on the fridge.

Money well spent there I think you'll agree.

p.s. I have switched off the back light at night (Settings, Display, Advanced settings, timer, off/on cycle, set start time, set end time, enter, up arrow, return, exit) as I don't think its very eco-friendly, good job i paid the extra £45 for the upgraded one, the standard model doesn't let you do that and i dread to think how much money that would have wasted!!!!

My Heating Control Panel, before I turned off the light.


p.p.s Sarah has gone out to see some friends before we head off, I've decided to spend some time looking on the internet for a new fridge as the LED can't be turned off at night like it can on the Heating Control Panel - Just who do these manufacturers think we are? Do they think we have money to burn!!! And then there's the Polar Bears to think about!!!!  Come on Samsung, do your bit!!!



Thursday 10 October 2013

The Queen, Birthdays, Princess Diana's Favourite Rabbit, WMHD

So that's another Birthday over...

And it was a good one. I spent the morning making the most of the cold bright weather by spending an hour or so having a really good sauna. 15 to 20 mins in the heat reading an old copy of the Sunday Times Magazine, (interesting article on being in the Territorial Army) then sitting out in the garden's cold, crisp air, repeat the whole process topped off with a session in the hot tub. Orange juice, blueberry pancakes and coffee for brunch and finally a kip. I like birthdays, in fact I've decided to have another one when we are in India. This will be my Official Birthday, I got the idea from the Royal Family apparently the Queen (God bless her and all who sail in her) has two birthdays so why can't I? We both pay our taxes after all.

Honestly, I'm not knocking it, I think its a damn good idea. Apparently her commitments means she can't do it all in one day, there's not enough time for seeing the kids, walking the Corgis (God bless 'em and all who pick up after them), cooking the birthday tea (cake included), card opening (major undertaking this one, she gets lots being head of the Commonwealth, it was worse when we still owned large chunks of the globe, its no wonder she was in favour of giving then back) and this is without the normal day to day stuff, sitting on the throne, defending the faith, general monarching etc. No time for a sauna, hot tub or kip in that sort of schedule. When would she ever get the chance to get blind drunk with her mates? I wholely approve, we all should have a second birthday, I'm just getting ahead of the curve on this one, mark my words it won't be long before Clinton's catch onto the idea and there will be "Happy Official Birthday" cards.

lets give it a go... here's one for the Queen

The sun is out, the sky is blue
there's just so much for you to do.

Vaccing the carpets, Cleaning the throne,
 when's a Queen gunna find time to get stoned

 But take a pill, no need to rush,
'cuz its your Official Birthday mush!!!
xxx

Kev





After all, she is a cockney, job done, i've emailed it Hallmatk and to Phil to see what he thinks, from memory his address is  big.phil@windsorwonderland.co.uk


Princess Diana's Favourite Rabbit


Thinking about the Royal Family I wondered if Princess Diana ever had a pet rabbit and if so what colour was it? I've been trying to get a story published in the Daily Express and attract more folk to the blog, I know Diana is always a crowd pleaser so I Googled "Princess Diana, rabbit, images" to see if there was anything of use for my story. The search took .02354 seconds and generated a remarkable 3.7 million hits some of which i will never forget. Obviously most weren't suitable for reproduction here, too large, out of focus, physically impossible etc.

It took me 0.0121 seconds to delete the search, browser history & page cache as I heard Sarah coming up the stairs.



Diana and her Rabbit - Roger

World Mental Health Day

On a slightly serious note, today, my birthday, is World Mental Health Day.
Please click this link and sign the pledge. If you or someone you know has had mental health problems, take the time to talk about it. I have, I had a chat with my Mom about my blog and how i'm fine now. Give it a go...

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/world-mental-health-day-2013
Time to Change

World Mental Health Day



Kev

My Birthday


10th October 2013 - My Birthday





This morning I got up at 4:30, I've gradually been creeping my day forward to India time for the last couple of weeks now with my Daylight lamp so in Indian time it was a lie in (9:30 start). 52 hours or 2 more get ups till we head off to India for the winter.

But today is my birthday, I was born on this day in 1961, to those who have bought me pressies many thanks. If you are still undecided what to buy you might find it helpful to use the anniversary list, you know the one? No? Oh, certain anniversarys have helpful tags to them, e.g. 50 is Gold, 25 is silver, 40 is ruby. Well I have it on very good authority 52 is Amazon Voucher. NB. If its not here by today's delivery its going to be too late as we have diverted the post from tomorrow.  Back to today, here are a few facts about my birthday:


  • I was born on a Tuesday.
  • My star sign is Libra which I share with the folk below..
  • My birthstone is Opal or Tourmaline.
  • My birth flower is Calendula (didn't know that but they grow all over our garden)
  • The season was Autumn.
  • I was were born in the Chinese year of the Ox. (no surprise there...)
  • The US President was John F. Kennedy (Democratic).
  • The UK Prime Minister was Harold Macmillan (Conservative).
  • I am 52 years 0 months 0 days old.
  • It is 364 days until my next birthday.
  • In dog years I am 364 years old.
  • I am 18,993 days old.
  • I;am approximately 455,837 hours old.
  • I am approximately 1,641,012,566 seconds old.
If I'd been born in America I'd share my birthday with the following folk (its a time zone thing) -

1952 - Sharon Osbourne, Brixton, South London, music manager, TV personality and wife of Ozzy Osbourne (X-Factor, America's Got Talent)
1953 - Tony Shalhoub, actor (Antonio Scarpacci-Wings, Big Night, Monk)
1954 - Scott Bakula, St Louis MO, actor (Quantum Leap, Gung Ho, Murphy Brown)
1955 - Steve Ovett, England, runner (Olympics-800m gold, 1500m bronze-1980)
1957 - Yuri Vladimirovich Usachyov, cosmonaut (Soyuz TM-18, TM-23)
1961 - Arlene Boxhall, Zimbabwe, field hockey (Olympic-gold-1980)
1961 - Jean Sagal, Los Angeles California, actress (Kate-Double Trouble, Grease 2)
1961 - Liz Sagal, Los Angeles California, actress (Allison-Double Trouble, Grease 2)
1961 - Trevor Matich, NFL center/guard (Washington Redskins)
1961 - Julian Bailey, British racing driver
1964 - Guillermo del Toro, Mexican film director

and, wait for it....


1966 - David Cameron, British politician

Wow!!! 


Being born in West Bromwich here in the UK I also get to share it with

1936 - Judith Chalmers, English TV hostess (Wish You Were Here)
1936 - Gerhard Ertl, German surface chemist, Nobel laureate, 2007.
1941 - Peter Coyote [Rachmil Pinchus Ben Mosha Cohon], New York City, New York, American actor (ET, Raiders of the Lost Ark)
1945 - Alan Cartwright, rocker (Procul Harum)
1946 - Charles Dance, Redditch, Worcestershire, English actor/director (Alien 3, Jewel in the Crown)
1946 - Chris Tarrant, English TV presenter
1948 - Greg Lake, rocker
1949 - Lance Cairns, cricketer (big-hitting NZ medium-pace bowler)
1953 - Midge Ure, Glasgow Scot, rocker (Dear God, Ultravox-We Came to Dance)
1954 - David Lee Roth, Bloomington Indiana, rock singer (Van Halen-Jump)
1959 - Chris Lowe, English rock keyboardist (Pet Shop Boys-It's a Sin)
1959 - Kirsty MacColl, English singer (d. 2000)
1961 - Martin Kemp, London, rock bassist (Spandau Ballet)
1964 - Neneh Cherry, Stockholm Sweden, rock vocalist
1966 - Tony Adams, English footballer

Amazing how ALL our lives have turned out the same isn't it, being Libran an all that. Peas in a pod all of us. Sharon has my laugh, Tony Shalhoub and I are both rubber faced, Steve Overt and has my running and athletic prowess coursing through his veins, Lance Cairnes and I know how to hit a ball (only difference being he could actually do it) Guillermo has my ability to take great photos (though i'm not sure he has mastered the picture of own ear shot, where you hold the compact camera the wrong way round). The list goes on, Martin Kemp (same age as me but hasn't worn as well), David Lee Roth, Midge Ure, Nenah Cherry and the incomparable Kirsty MacColl. (Kirsty, I didn't know until today we shared a birthday, maybe that's why I was and am still disproportionately and genuinely upset by your untimely death, such a mindless random waste. Musically we have much in common, you have talent - I have all of your CDs.) I've just noticed even 13 years on I still can't write to or about Kirsty in the past tense.


Kirsty - Much Missed


My Astrology Experiment


What can i say Dave, we are like twins our lives have been so alike. Both Librans, and.... What!!
You don't believe in astrology? You don't believe that Celestial objects moving relative to us billions and billions of miles away (Oi! Prof. Brian Cox, Help me out here, i'm crap at the light year to miles calculation) have a direct impact on how we live our lives? As a Libran, i like to weigh up the evidence and come to a balanced view. Let's do a compasson. Who shall we pick? Dave has a wikipaedia page (who'd have thought it?), and I don't but I do know me personally so... job done


Here we go....


David William Donald Cameron (/ˈkæm(É™)rÉ™n/ born October 1966;) is the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, First Lord of the Treasury,Minister for the Civil Service and Leader of the Conservative Party. He represents Witney as its Member of Parliament (MP).[1]

Cameron studied Philosophy, Politics and Economics (PPE) at Brasenose College, Oxford, gaining a first class honours degree. He then joined theConservative Research Department and became Special Adviser to Norman Lamont, and then to Michael Howard. He was Director of Corporate Affairs at Carlton Communications for seven years.

He was defeated in his first candidacy for Parliament at Stafford in 1997, but was elected in 2001 as the Member of Parliament for the Oxfordshireconstituency of Witney. He was promoted to the Opposition front bench two years later, and rose rapidly to become head of policy co-ordination during the 2005 general election campaign. With a public image of a youthful, moderate candidate who would appeal to young voters, he won theConservative leadership election in 2005.[2]

In the 2010 general election held on 6 May, the Conservatives won 306 seats in a hung parliament. After five days of negotiation, Cameron formed acoalition with the Liberal Democrats (Lib Dems). Cameron leads the first coalition government of the United Kingdom since the Second World War. The 43-year-old Cameron became the youngest British Prime Minister since the Earl of Liverpool 198 years earlier.[3]




As I said, I don't have a Wikipedia page but if I did I think it would go like this

(This entry requires source materials and citations - please help to improve this page)

Kevin John Hale (hay/elle; born October 1961) is a Retired Health Service Manager, a Blogger, Husband of Helen Sarah Hale, Dad of Chantelle and Chloe and Step-dad of Thomas, he is an India Addict, loves Cricket and tries to help out at SISP and Kovalam Surf Club when he can. He knows his place and represents no ones views but his own.

Hale studied occasionally at Dudley Grammar School, then Wulfrun College Wolverhampton and Wolverhampton Poly (later Wolverhampton University) , gaining just enough credits to get by. He joined the NHS in 1979 as a Junior A Medical Laboratory Scientific Officer and in his first NHS post progressed to become a State Registered Biomedical Scientist. This took him one year longer than normally required as he couldn't be arsed to do the work needed to pass first time and preferred to spend his time down the pub with his mates.

While serving as a technician Hale became, and specialized in, being a know it all arsey git which got him noticed and selected/elected to become a trade union representative for ASTMS (now Unite). Within this role Hale progressed to the rank of national delegate and full time trade union convener.

After 4 years as a convener Hale, having obtained a post graduate qualification in Health Service Management  got bored with Trade Union life and gave it up to return to pathology for about 4 days. Due to the fact that Hale was really not a very good Bio-medical Scientist and that during his time as a convener Hale had made friends all over the place by knowing who to talk to get things done and often by judicious twisting of the rules and coffee drinking in all the right staff rooms, he was seconded to the Office of the Chief Executive as a project manager. Thanks almost entirely due to the work of others, successful projects included working with King's Fund and disaster and contingency planning.

In late '98 early '99 Hale again became bored and left to work in Primary Care becoming project manager (later Project Director) of a first wave PMS Pilot. Here Hale perfected his management style using the JFDI school of project management. He also learnt "how to get on" by attending the Kings Fund Senior Management Training Scheme, Funding for this very expensive (more than an MBA) and prestigious national course was secured by Hale "having a hissy fit" and threatening to leave. (It was purely by coincidence this was just before his employers end of year pension and tax returns were due which had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with them agreeing to fund the course).

In 2000 Hale left the PMS pilot to work In Birmingham as a PCT Senior Primary Care Manager, did a bit as a Senior Secondary Care Commissioner then became Head of Personal Medical Services.

In the summer of 2003 Hale had so much leave carried over/left he decided to take a month out and learn to surf in Cornwall. This was to be a pivotal point in Hale's career as he decided sitting for 3-4 hours every day on the M5, re-doing the same papers 3 or 5 times "to get ahead of the game" was pants so he applied for and obtained the post of Head of Primary Care for North Devon. Within 6 months Hale was promoted to Interim Director of Primary Care.

Following a brutal re-organisation and merger Hale was appointed as Asst. Dir Primary Care (Devon). Hale retired from the NHS on 1st April 2013 Having reached the rank of Asst Dir Primary Care (Independent Contractor Performance) for the Cluster of NHS Devon, Torbay and Plymouth .

Hale is now happily retired and living in Devon and India




They are sooooooo similar, I know perhaps I should have used Martin Kemp as he was born not only on the same day but the same year too, but i thought it might be too obvious. Our shared good looks, complexion and athletic build might subconsciously colour your objective assessment and thoughts too much.

 
Dave learns we are Astrological Twins


Today is written in the Stars!!

So Dave, and for the other 1/12 of the worlds population which share our sign, here are our Stars for Today!!!! (actually taken from Astrology.com)

Your ability to express your thoughts and feelings clearly is enhanced today, and your friends are appreciative. Actually, you may start something new and unprecedented as you make yourself heard!

(scary!!! need to watch my blogg stats to see if it comes true - so I tried another My.horroscope.com)

Excitement mounts in your household when some new equipment comes into your possession. This could involve a computer, phone, or some other device. This could make a big different to everyone, but make sure you don't treat it like a toy. You'll want it to last a while!

You may scoff but the evidence is right there!!! Spot On!!! how else other than its in the stars did they know that on my birthday, I would be getting some electrical goods, honest i didn't make it up it was just there... when i searched... on my computer... on my birthday... and its a toy... oh... i see.

Later, around 11:00 I see Mars, coming into conjunction with Milky Way, and a cup of coffee.

Dave, seriously, have a good day, have a kit kat and take a break.... a long.... long..... break. Note if you continue to follow our joint astrological path you should be retired in a couple of years.

hmmm factor 15 just doesn't cut it




So from Martin and me (its uncanny, I have to keep checking which one is which!!) to the rest of us sharing a birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOOOOOOO USSSSSSSS!

Wednesday 9 October 2013

Mental iPods, My love of Gadgets, Cock Rings! Ebay comes up trumps.

"... its a new day, a new life, and I'm feeeeeeellllin' gooooooooood! da dum, da dum, da diddly dum "


Bloody Hell!! Caught singing again, knock next time, will ya!!!

Time for some fun, after all my time is now my own, which is why Sarah says we now have to have a diary so we she can put all the things I need to do in it.

Back to music - Funny how the song in my head often tells me how I feel before it reaches conscious thought. In my last post I ended up sitting on the beach listening to my real iPod but it could have just as well been my mental one which is much better, it doesn't annoy other travelers, never runs out of battery and it can download any tune I hear for free, true sometimes it only holds the instrumental "hum along version" but that's mostly fine. The best bit is it has its own Genius software generating a My Emotions playlist. Stop looking at me like that, I know I'm not alone here. Am I? Thought it came with the software bundle for everyone? Oh... maybe you just haven't been listening to the words playing. Try switching it on, (Go to the settings bar in your head and press shift alt control escape **) it it can be very illuminating. You don't have a settings bar? Bloody hell have you got a Chromebook? Sorry, but you are fucked.

My music tastes are very random, I was going to type eklect, eccleck eclectique but i have no idea how to spell it and spell checker doesn't have a clue what I was aiming at so, no help there then. So as I was saying, I have a random taste in music. Well, that's not quite true, everything I like is good, the rest is rubbish.

I have friends who still have all their CDs in racks, categorized by genre, artist, album, release date, producer, they can find and access any track in a minim. Its very impressive to watch. I am allowed no where near their music collection as my system was different (there's a shock eh?) I had a box, (or i did before iTunes) several boxes in fact. CDs were arranged within each box based on how often I played them, those that I played least were on the bottom, those I played most on the top. This top of the box subsection was further catagorised for rapid access by the fact the stuff I played very regularly were not in cases. I was going to patent my system and see if I could get K-Tel to market it for me. Remember K-Tel? They had such products as the Brush-O-Matic, the Easy Groom \Styling Comb (Billy Connelly did a whole routine on this product) and the Record Vac. Of course they don't do stuff like that any more. We wouldn't buy such rubbish we have become far to marketing savvy.

Just a mo, my hard skin angle grinder has just fallen off the steam cleaner knocking over the Tight Buns Training system.


My love of Gadgets
I do love a gadget, don't you? I was looking at a remote the other day that actually allows me to flush the loo from the garden shed, and because its its wifi enabled has blue tooth, quad band and 4G compatible anywhere else in the world. It can directly link into the sewerage system if you buy the add on dongle, the iVersion has a built in dongle but that's going a bit far. It is a bit pricey but with all those features a snip at £200, plus the £50 for the dongle (obviously). Hmmm wonder if I can get both for £230 on Ebay, must look later. Sarah will be dead chuffed when she gets back from having her hair done. Hey!!  I could give it to her for her Birthday on the 18th as a surprise. Brilliant!!! Job Done!! She will be so pleased, I can see the look on her face now as she unwraps it. So much better than the cordless singing  commode, the Swing-While-You're-Shitting 2000, as awesome as that was, I bought her for Christmas. She wasn't so convinced and wondered why the songs were in Mandarin, I explained at the time that not only was this item functional and entertaining it was educational as well as she could with out any effort (allowing for any constipation obviously) learn a new language. It was also the cordless as the previous year she had said if I bought her anything with an electric plug on it again for Christmas she was going to stick it where there was no mains power available. I had specifically taken note and I think she meant the shed where some of my other presents to her now live. I think they are all still in their boxes because she knows how valuable they will become in years to come, she's bright Sarah and sometimes watches the Antiques Road Show, they always tell you to keep the boxes. That must be it.

Where was I, oh yes, they'd never sell me any such rubbish now-a-days, far too savvy. I've grown up a lot since those days. Anyway, alas, it wasn't to be, I never got round to patenting my EZ-CD and now Apple have pinched it and added a "most frequently played" play list. As Greg Wallace might say I was "...gutted!" when i realized I'm missed my big chance to make my million. Typical.... if only.... The moral of this story is if you have a good idea, go for it.

Cock Rings

If you are waiting for this bit I'm afraid you are out of luck. (though funny it should follow My love of gadgets in the title). Its a shameless marketing ploy used to increase my circulation and... the words are inherently funny. Also following a previous blog one of my daughters said (I hope in jest) if i used the words cock rings again in a blog I was dead to her. One of the joys of having daughters is just how shock-able and fun they can be . (Love you both xxx) Sometimes it must be tough having me as a dad, sorry, (grin).

P.S. - Ebay comes up trumps again!!! Thanks Ebay!!!

 I found one!!! The remote!!! A real genuine non-counterfeit Apple Galaxy Xperia 4G  BogBastic Flush XR7034 and its the limited edition version in Barbie Pink (I've picked up a thing or two from watching the antiques road show too, mine  hers is limited edition number 4738965, practical AND an heirloom for the kids)  even managed to get the dongle bundled in for £80. OK its £30 more than I was going to spend but it is a present and it comes gift wrapped all the way from Manchester, according to the address that's just out side Taipei. It should be here for 4 months (give or take) so I'll just giver her the order form on her birthday so she can look forward to it. No, i can't wait I'll give it to her when she is back from the hairdressers, I hope she doesn't read this blog before she gets here. I WANT IT TO BE A BIG SURPRISE!!!!

THANKS EBAY!!! WE'VE DONE IT AGAIN!!! - gullibleguyUK (*46765)




Tuesday 8 October 2013

Kovalam, losing my faith and redundancy.

Kovalam - April 2013


Being warm in Kovalam is about so much more than the heat. I suppose I'd better do the travel guide bit first.

Kovalam is a village/town in Kerala on the south west coast of India. Wikipedia has the following web page on the place http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kovalam and TripAdvisor has a useful travel forum if you have any questions. You can get there either through the gulf airlines Etihad, Qatar or Emirates changing at Abu Dhabi , Doha or Dubai respectively or via one of the Indian carriers flying to various Indian cities and then taking an internal flight. Prices start at just under £500 return upwards, at the mo expect to pay about £600 to get there and back, Southall Travel is a good place to start. Hotel prices vary significantly between low season, end of April to end of October and high season, basically the UK winter. Average Temperature is roughly the same the year round 28 - 32 C but rain fall and humidity is dramatically different in the monsoon season,  UK summer time. The area is malaria free but its in the tropics so there are occasional monsoon outbreaks of dengue fever. Moral of the story here is hit the DEET, buy and use a good mossie net. You will be bitten but usually more in the first few days, after which one of two things will happen, I've never quite been sure which, either you stop smelling like "fresh meat" and build up a local fugg from 24/7 curry eating or you adapt your behaviours load up a layer of DEET and suntan lotion, either way you get bitten less. In truth its probably a bit of both.

OK tourist bit over, there is lots of stuff on the web about Kovalam, Lighthouse Beach, and Kerala and since you are reading this blog obviously you have a computer or tablet or phone or all three. Go surf.

We had arrived, tired, grubby but happy. I was retired, Sarah on holiday. Long before we had received confirmation of my redundancy, still less than 36 hours earlier, we had spent a long time discussing our future before we had left.

Loosing my faith

We had both had enough, if I hadn't been made redundant we were going to get out anyway, redundancy just allowed us to do it earlier. Though I was now welI and better equipped mentally and emotionally to do the job I'd returned to, I had lost my faith. For me working in the NHS was always an act of faith, I was a believer (I'm now tempted to break into The Monkeys classic which has just wormed its way into my head, and on reading this, if you are of a particular age, into yours too, but i won't, i'll just hum along as I type. Sarah is now giving me the look. The Great British Bake Off is on TV, Shhh! Best just hum along inside my head).

When I joined in 1979 I believed the NHS in was important, people cared about patients above everything else, what i was doing was worthwhile and others thought I was going to be good at it (whatever the "it" was at the time) and so did I. Note I joined the NHS, not just took up my post, I was committed, shiny faced, intense, knew far more about everything than i do now and all in all a bit of a dick but I meant well.

By the end of the previous November in 2012 I'd stopped believing. Too many bored meetings, too much phaffing, too many restless nights and dead eyes. Maybe i'd seen one too many "brilliant new plan" which was just a re-hashing of the last initiative or listened to one two many jaded messiah promising to lead us to health care nirvana. I was disappointed, pissed off... but was I ready to move on?

I'd been through a perfect storm twice and survived. I was fitter and stronger than I'd ever been so surely I was OK to carry on this time? The feelings would pass, they had before, it was just another reorganisation and i just needed another few weeks in the sun back in India. So why the nagging doubt? Then it hit me, I was thinking about the storm metaphor when it happened. A picture popped into my head much like The Monkeys did earlier singing that bloody song. A picture of a flattened house, somewhere in the deep south, bible belt country and yes, I do actually think like this. I told you i watched too much TV.

Setting: Tornado Ally, somewhere in the Deep South

Cast:
Jim Bob - Steve Martin reprising his role in The Jerk
Reporter - Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy.
Opening Scene:
Camera pans left over a scene of devastation, a house and farm reduced to matchwood to reveal Ron Burgundy,(TV Anchorman) and Jim Bob (a local farmer)

And.... Action!!!

RB: "Tell us Jim Bob, what happened when the tornado hit"
JB:  "I'll tell ya, it was scairy, whole house came down round me and the folks" Jim Bob looks excitedly into the camera grinning.
JB:  "Whole damn house, not like in '84 or '89 or 2011 when just the windas and roof got blowed away
"Praise Jesus, God must be on our side. We're not giv'n up now though, not with God on our side.     "We's gunna rebuild, right thar, right where that thar house has allus stood".
RB: "Thanks Jim Bob, I'm Ron Burgundy, tellin it as it is here in tornado ally, Now, back to the studio where Candy has the latest update on the NHS re-organisation and that attempt to make the world's largest
cock ring."

Its at this point I realise I want to scream at the mental image on my Head TV,

Yes Jim Bob, God must be on your side but how many hints do you want him to give you?
MOVE HOUSE!!!"

How many hints did I need?

I didn't need to worry, events were about to over take me, the long heralded reorganisation was about to hit my bit of the NHS.

Redundancy

The NHS Board had been formed and was about to impose a one size fits all structure on its outposts or Area Teams. There was no job for me in this new way of doing things, to be fair if I'd had the pot of money they had to play with i'd have come up with something very similar. My role was to be taken by someone medically qualified, something I had been arguing for for years.

My post was made redundant just before Christmas. Other folk in the PCT at my pay-grade but without the length of service had already jumped ship, some into the emergent Clinical Commissioning Groups , others shifted their CVs and career direction. Some were caught in the headlights like frightened rabbits, buried their heads in the mountains of work from the day job, left piling up by the reorganisation, kidding themselves that as they were so busy their jobs must be safe. They weren't. There were a lot of very angry, hurt and bewildered folk kicking around a fast emptying office. Not a healthy environment for a newly recovering transference junkie like me. I "worked from home".

You might be thinking "Hang on, this was December and you said you got notified you were outski at the end of March?" Yep, that's right, my job was made redundant in December but until April i was in the twilight zone, unable to plan for a future in case "suitable alternative employment" was found for me, and because I was so expensive to get rid of I was told my redundancy approval had to go all the way to the Secretary of State.

Suitable alternative employment is basically a job no one wants or they can't fill from ring fenced and matched folk and it gets chucked into a pool. If you had a CV which vaguely matched key elements of the job one of two things happened, you were matched to the job and it was yours or you have to go through a selection process. aka interview. I know people who went through loads of interviews, double figures in a few cases. Talk about dead eyes. My CV though  impressive came with a big price tag and had become very specialist. I was under qualified for the only job I had recent experience of  in the new structure but was excluded on the new essential criteria, I not a medic. I wasn't matched to a single job, or "invited" to a single interview but we still had to live on the edge for three months. I had just come back from being mental.

Here is an extract from the NHS Constitution, read it when you are feeling down, start to question just why you are there and in need of a laugh. To cheer it up try setting your internal narrator to Kermit the Frog. It works for me and I found Kermit was invaluable when reading DoH technical guidance, try it, pick your own voice it can be fun. Anyway, here's what the NHS Constitution, the guide for how it should work,  says about compassion.

"Compassion: We ensure compassion is central to the care we provide and respond with humanity to each persons pain, distress, anxiety or need. We search for things we can do, however small to give comfort and relieve suffering. We find time for patients, families and carers as well as those we work along side. We do not wait to be asked, because we care. Its time to put on make up, its time to light the lights...."

Ok so I added the bit at the end, Kermit just had to jazz it up but the rest is a direct quote. I could make some cheep comment and quote a Daily Mail headline here but even though I think this re-organisation was a brutal process it had to be done, (IT WAS THE  MONEY, STUPID!)  I still know that most of the folk working in the NHS abide by this section of the constitution (minus the make up and lights) and I was supported though those three months by good friends. The Board, in the rush to save the cash forgot the bit i've underlined. There has to be a better way next time and i hope they find one soon, before the next time, that next time isn't far away.

Mmmmm its was warm in Kovalam, 32 C, a gentle breeze took the edge off the heat as kids from SISP rode in on the 2-3 foot surf. I was listening to the Clash on my iPod, in my 'phones Joe was banging it out like only he could.
 "... so you got to let me knooooow...Should I stay or should I go?"
I smiled, the decision was already made for me.
The NHS and I had gone our separate ways and were swiftly moving apart.
It was good to be back in Kovalam.





Put that Vodka down, What is "Hand Luggage" ? An Indian Martial Art?

"The sun is a shining to welcome the day with a Hey Hoooooo come to the Fayre.... "

Whoops you caught me singing, I couldn't help it, its a bright sunny October day, 20 C in the garden sun trap. I've just made a tarragon, chicken and ham pie with yesterdays left overs so dinner is sorted. Sarah's out visiting her mom and dad and I'm beginning to wonder if I'll have finished the April trip and how I got to retire before I actually get back to India at this rate.


Bombay  Mumbai Airport 02:00 A.M. April 2013.


As there are no direct flights to Trivandrum anymore and we are flying Air India we have to change planes in Mumbai and catch the internal shuttle flight. Its fine, just a 90 min hop down the coast. There was however a slight hiccup, we had cleared customs and security in Mumbai and were no longer air-side, our hold luggage had gone on ahead to the shuttle flight, not a problem in itself but we had three liters of duty free booze in our hand luggage. At security a young Indian Army officer was waiting a look of glee in his eye. I had already gone through the x-ray machine and was having the iPod, Headphones, Kindle and camera closely examined down the line. Sarah was still at the first stage in the process. A voice of authority rang out.

"Madam, you cannot board the plane with three liters of liquid in your hand luggage, you will have to leave it here"

I looked up, the young officer was talking to Sarah.

First Sarah looked at her bag, one liter each of Grey Goose, Ciroc and Hendrick's.

Sarah then she looked at the guard, he smiled again and wobbled his head no doubt thinking he was in for a damn good party. Sarah looked at her bag again then back at the guard. He positively beamed, at which point I flinched and like any sensible husband hid behind a small group of migrant workers flying back from Dubai. I knew this might get nasty, it was 2 am and I'd seen that look in Sarah's eyes before. He may have been close to six feet tall, trained in unarmed combat and  had a Kalashnikov hanging round his neck but I didn't fancy his chances. He was attempting to liberate not only my gin but also her two liters of vodka. Sarah sweetly smiled back and spoke softly to him... now I knew he was in trouble. To this day I have no idea what she said but the effect was dramatic. Firstly the colour drained from his face, then he went red. Sarah continued to smile. Next thing I know he was waving his arms about and obviously giving directions for Sarah to go somewhere. She promptly spun on her heels and disappeared back the way we had come.

I spent the next fifteen tense minutes being watched by a customs officer who first demonstratively searched for and then slowly put on a pair of blue rubber gloves.

Sarah reappeared, minus her bag.
"Come on then, lets get on the plane." she chirped, obviously very pleased with herself.
"What happened there?"
"Not much, I just explained there was no way I was leaving £70 worth of booze and he told me where to go to get it put in the hold" She glanced back at the young officer and laughed. He was trying desperately not to catch her eye.
"Hmm, just asked him for directions eh?"
"Yep" She laughed again and we got on the plane.

Scrum down, get on the plane and what exactly is Carry on Luggage?


When you are given your boarding card everyone knows where they are going to sit so for my first few flights to India I just couldn't understand why there was such a mad rush to get on the plane. It wasn't going to go leave any faster, flight departure time is set, there is a slot for each plane. Everyone has a seat allocated. Then the penny dropped, everyone has a seat but locker space isn't fixed and many Indian's only fly with "hand luggage". Here lies the problem.

What you can take onto a plane as carry on or hand luggage should be simple, a standard size case of no more than a specific weight, the dimensions of which depend on the class of ticket purchased. That's the rules, and rules is rules, sometimes, but not very often in India, not where cabin luggage is concerned. This is where the wobbling of the head as an answer can break down. I have seen migrant workers in Dubai try and on occasion convince cabin staff that 46 inch plasma TVs are hand luggage. On the other hand I've also seen women told to stow their handbags as they have a separate purse. The most orderly of queues swiftly descends into a rolling maul as passengers nudge, push and try to cut in, what starts as a leisurely walk down the docking arm  gradually speeds up at the cabin gets closer. This is the martial art known as the India Queue. The rules are, 1) never to catch the eye of the person you have just cut in front of 2) never run, you must gradually increase your speed without making it obvious 3) if you are spotted cutting in you must never admit it or give way but immediately freeze and pretend you were there all along. The airline version of Indian queuing also allows the use of hand luggage (and small children) as weapons, experienced participants can use these to take out a fellow passenger in many ways but favorites are the wheeled case down the Achilles tendon and the shoulder bag in the eye or the child swung from the hip, a move which if performed correctly hits the opponent in the genitals. Its a great contact sport for all the family and I wish the Indian Olympic Committee luck in their bid to get it recognized. They are true masters of their own game.

The flight was uneventful, we were back in cattle class as our upgrade only lasted to Mumbai but I can cope with sitting bolt upright for 90 mins with my knees behind my ears. (I've watched Sarah do it when practicing yoga and picked up a tip or two) So could the chap in front of me, there was NO WAY he was reclining his seat, i was firmly wedged into position for the duration of the flight. In no time at all we emerged from the Terminal to be greeted by our driver, 30 mins later we were back in our usual hotel in Kovalam, The sun was just rising and it was time for breakfast, sitting in Coconut Grove our usual restaurant, chatting with the staff and catching up on the gossip. Masala Dosa, carrot juice, small pot mixer coffee.

It felt like we had come home.